From my experience coaching farm families, it seems like everyone experiences at least some of a “honeymoon” phase when they first move to the farm. Meals are shared without a schedule, childcare is provided at the drop of a hat and everyone just pitches in to get the work done. But when things get tough, unspoken and often assumed shared understandings can get thrown out the window. Bitterness and hurt can slowly creep in as life continues on without talking about interests and values as well as implementing structure that can prevent headaches and heartbreak, such as agreements and timelines.

Throughout my twenties, I lived in several different shared living arrangements, renting with others who were also trying to save money while going to university or working as summer students. The houses that I lived in often had underlying values that anyone living there was asked to respect, such as being mindful of the timing of visitors and sharing meals with each other. While this all sounded workable in theory, it was difficult to see how these housing arrangements would last in the long-term because I didn’t see structure in place to hold everyone accountable to the shared values (or in some cases, clarify what they actually were!). The house would feel like a home for the first few months, after which I soon realized that my roommates were not actually fostering the community they intended to build. Even worse in some cases, one person was trying to force everyone else to buy into a shared agreement that didn’t seem to be understood by the others living there based on their actions. 

This is kind of how it has felt moving to my husband’s family farm this fall, except this time I’m older and wiser and not interested in moving to resolve any issues. I am interested in creating a home in the beautiful old farmhouse and raising our children in a farm business that they have the opportunity to be a part of some day. Yet we will be doing this while navigating working with his parents, who manage a mixed operation as their sole income. Within a couple months of living here, we recognize how important it is to understand the underlying values that have been acted on for many years before we begin to bring our own to the table and propose any changes. We have also learned that moving to a farm in fall time can delay these important conversations significantly. 

Here are a few ways that I have found helpful to explore shared values on the farm:

1. Prevent potential conflicts with curiosity – How my in-laws communicate is different than how I do, and I imagined how this could lead us to trouble. But by staying curious about their expectations while also being clear about mine, I have actually prevented potential conflicts from happening. For example, my mother-in-law often brings me fresh eggs around lunchtime as she usually has extra. After receiving several dozen eggs for free, I went to her and said “It’s not my intention to take advantage of the farm… I really appreciate receiving eggs and I would like to pay you for them.” When she insisted on taking them for free, I offered her the idea that I could sell them to friends and family as farm gate sales for her. Her face lit up as she said, “I would appreciate that.” We are now discussing ways to exchange my time for other farm perks, which will be written up as an agreement that all four of us can review and accept each year. 
2. Frequent and effective communication fosters collaboration – As coaches, we hear so often from farm families that communication between family members is an issue or is the root cause of other challenges. To make matters more difficult, fostering effective communication on a day-to-day basis takes significant energy, and efforts to do so can go sideways easily. Here applies the African proverb: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Making time for deeper listening at the breakfast table or even just clarifying what the other person has said (check out this YouTube video about paraphrasing) can take a family much further than if one person is calling all the shots. Further, more direct communication between family members can foster better collaboration overall and prevent “triangles” from happening (when one person is preventing two others from talking directly, even unconsciously so). My husband can easily become a messenger between either of his parents and I, and if I do not go to them directly to clarify and understand what he/she wants, we have ourselves a triangle. 
3. Build a home with a strong foundation – When my husband and I had our second child last year, we braced ourselves for a huge change. The challenges came from our oldest, to our surprise, who is actually still adjusting to having a little brother after a year and a half (although they have many cute moments together, too). We have tried our best to raise our two kids as a team, and to continue building a foundation of good communication, trust and cooperation that helps us in chaotic times. Similarly to parenthood, moving to the farm has already tested our relationship and the strength of its foundation. The unstructured nature of the farm, with its underlying and often unspoken values, can so easily create a wedge between us when one of us gets frustrated at the lack of clarity that we are living in. By checking in with each other on a regular basis and focusing on the other’s needs, even when that means setting aside a farm project, we are continuing to build a strong foundation of support and trust as a couple. I believe this will serve us well during the most trying moments on the farm as we settle in here. 

By furthering shared understandings of values, expectations and needs we can prevent conflicts and discover more effective ways of working together as family and as farmers building a home.

–Kalynn Spain

Did you enjoy Discovering Shared Values in Transition? You might want to check these articles out too:

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