Besides the obvious ones (learning to drive, graduating high school, purchasing my first vehicle) I’ve had three defining moments in my life. At least, these are the ones that have impacted me the most in the last 20 years.
Number one, my first therapy session. I think I was 22 years old, newly married, studying Agricultural Economics in University and eagerly navigating how to become an owner of the family farm business. I can’t remember why I decided to go. I do remember feeling angst at what I would later learn was my inner voice. I was fed up with the nearly constant messages of doubt, shame and resentment that it was giving me. All I remember from that first session was a drawing of an iceberg floating in water on a whiteboard. An iceberg is 95% below the water’s surface. My therapist used it as an analogy to the complexity of everybody’s stories – there is so much more below the surface that can be discovered. The other thing I remember was walking out of that session and thinking to myself, “what have I done? This can of worms can’t be closed!” It was scary to be so vulnerable and have someone ask questions that dug up the past and brought up forgotten hurts.
The number two defining moment in my life was a family meeting at our farm facilitated by Elaine. This time I was 28 years old and had a three month old baby girl. Ashley and I still believed farm ownership was in our future, however, it had become obvious that we needed help getting there. We suggested to my parents that they hire Elaine to help. I have many memories of what happened at that meeting but the strongest is, after breaking down in tears during a difficult conversation, being told by a family member that it was inappropriate to let emotions interfere at the workplace. Instead of agreeing with this family member, Elaine explained how important emotions were in any business relationship. That we all need to understand how our emotions play into decision making and how they affect our actions. She wasn’t giving permission to act inappropriately but rather acknowledging that I didn’t need to be ashamed of how I was feeling.
The last defining moment for me was the birth of my third child. I was 35 years old and had two young children already. Finding out we were expecting for the third time was a surprise to both of us. I took a little bit longer than my wife to process the news. I reached out to all my “dad friends” that also had three or more children for support. They listened and offered stories from their own experiences and it helped. However, I was still worried about how a third child would affect our lives. I couldn’t see through the incoming chaos to the wonderful news of another little person that would be joining us. You see, chaos is really scary to me. I like to control things and little babies can’t really be controlled. I know I wasn’t pleasant to be around during that time.
It wasn’t until I held that little girl for the first time that the concept of joy made real sense to me. As I held my little bundle of chaos, I was completely overwhelmed with fear and gratitude at the same time. Profound sadness along with an equally profound happiness. I remember it vividly as an odd sensation that left almost as quickly as it arrived. I learned later that the feeling I experienced is commonly described as joy. Jordan Peterson says in his book, 12 Rules for Life, that “if you shoulder the burden of life, you just might experience joy.” I think that’s exactly what I was doing. Despite my fear of having another child, I showed up and embraced the chaos and all of a sudden life made sense.
These three moments stand out in my mind as defining moments in my life. The first therapy session I ever attended made me feel afraid of facing myself but I stuck with it and continue to see a therapist to this day. It’s often uncomfortable and I seldom feel like showing up but after each session I’m glad I did. The benefits far outweigh the feelings of discomfort. It’s taught me how to be a better spouse, father, son and friend. It’s taught me how to empathize with those I interact with on a daily basis. We’re all complex individuals with only a sliver of visible “iceberg” showing. The more we discover below the surface the better.
Attending a family meeting and being told not to be ashamed of my feelings taught me to learn how to regulate my emotions and to be attentive to them. We are all emotional beings. It’s the way our bodies work – our brains react to experiences and create feelings in our bodies. Understanding what causes feelings and how they operate releases us from being held hostage by them.
Discovering that I was going to be a Dad for the third time created a profound sense of fear in my body. That fear turned into worry and I became convinced that there was no way Ashley and I would be able to survive. By facing that fear of the unknown head on, rather than running away, I discovered there was light, or joy rather, at the end of the tunnel.
All of these experiences have impacted who I have become. In preparation for becoming a farm transition coach, I’ve trained in conflict resolution, mediation, group facilitation and coaching practices. The decision to train in these areas is part of my professional learning plan. The skills I’ve learned spill over into my personal life. And the same is true for my personal life skills spilling over into my professional life. My attitude is one of lifelong learning, professionally AND personally. All experiences shape who we become.
Lyle Wiens
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Elaine Froese and her team of coaches are waiting to help you discover you next steps towards the life you’ve always wanted on your farm as you transition. Contact her and her team here. Book Elaine to speak in 2025 now !
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