This is the time of year when little ones are full of ideas of what should be under the Christmas tree. It’s also the time of year when parents are recovering their energy after a long harvest, cattle processing, and navigating the myriad demands of working off the farm and managing a farm business.

Recently, at a Saskatchewan Women in Ag Conference in Saskatoon, I asked my audience of young and older farm and ranch women what they truly needed in this moment. You might be surprised by the texts they sent me.

1. “Understanding my point of view.” Here’s a woman whom I had coached the day before as she sought to find out how her role is changing as she ages in place on her farm. She was also seeking a new accountant who could help navigate the complexity of a large farm. One of the most powerful positive conflict behaviours is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Can you ask your spouse, “What is it you truly need in this season”?

2. “I need to know how to deal with a father-in-law who is stubborn, won’t let go, and is a dead man walking with 2 heart attacks.” Many farm founders continue working hard with their heads down, believing everything will “just work out” if they work harder. Folks don’t let go of anything unless they believe they can move toward something better. Founders have a strong identity connection to their power as managers, and letting go of power and control requires trust. It also begs a strong financial certainty that the next generation has the skills to manage well and not “lose the farm.” When you need folks to let go, ask, “I am just curious, what are you truly afraid of as you let go of your manager roles”?

3. “I need procrastination to stop! I need to sit with that and make a plan!” This woman understands that change begins with her behaviour. She is self-aware in understanding her need to think about what she needs and wants, and activate a plan to make it happen. Christmas is a big marker in our year; it’s a time of celebration and another reminder that another year has quickly flown by. What have we accomplished this year to give folks on our farm team more clarity for the family’s future and the vision of the farm?

4. “I need compassionate conflict resolution.” Note the emphasis on compassion. You can do conflict well with the intent not to cause harm to others, and to attack the problem, not the person. Frankly, I‘ve had a tough week hearing sad stories of betrayal, violent conflict over inheritance expectations, and siblings who need to find ways to exit.

Sad stories will not motivate action. Sound communication, which expresses emotion in a caring, compassionate way, can move mountains. Start expressing how decisions make you feel and learn more emotional descriptors beyond sad and mad. “I am feeling hopeful and excited that we are finally sitting down with a facilitator to figure out what everyone expects and needs in this farm transition.”

5. I need a way to approach my in-laws to decrease my anxiety. Many daughters-in-law who have great financial skills and contribute to the work of the farm are worried about how they can ask for what they need from the founding parents without coming across as entitled or conflict creators. The best way to make an approach is to come from curiosity, prepare the older generation with a typed letter of what you want to talk about and why, and then set a time to meet, uninterrupted. “Being clear is kind,” says Brene Brown, renowned researcher on emotional intelligence and vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable with the family you married into, but “love does not read minds.” Be brave, be prepared, and practice positive conflict resolution skills, like reaching out, adapting, and creating solutions as you attack the challenges/problems, not the people.

6. Someone to hold my hand while we work through family conflict. You are not alone. As coaches, we have confidential coaching calls on Zoom with you and your spouse, the founder couple, and siblings. In our practice, we believe that conflict resolution is a business risk management strategy that can be learned by incorporating better conflict language, well-crafted meetings, and accountability to action. Coaches keep the space for communication safe and respectful. We can also help you find out what your current strengths are with the online tool “Conflict Dynamic Profile” available here.

You can only change yourself. What would it look like for you to be skilled at asking for what you truly need this Christmas to embrace the vision you have for yourself, your spouse, and your family, including the in-laws on your farm team?

Embrace assumption-free living and ask respectfully for what you truly need. Let me know how this gift impacts your new year!

Did you enjoy What do you truly need for Christmas? You might want to check these articles out, too:

Contentment in Times of Prescriptive Joy
Navigating Farm Life: Making Intentional Choices to Manage Burnout
Building HR Skills for a Stronger Family Business