{"id":9958,"date":"2024-09-26T11:25:24","date_gmt":"2024-09-26T15:25:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=9958"},"modified":"2024-09-27T19:37:37","modified_gmt":"2024-09-27T23:37:37","slug":"how-to-clean-up-your-conflict-filter-and-shift-your-avoidance-mindset","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/09\/26\/how-to-clean-up-your-conflict-filter-and-shift-your-avoidance-mindset\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Clean Up Your Conflict Filter and Shift Your Avoidance Mindset"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; collapsed=&#8221;off&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/ghLuH3MIkTY?si=AAdZHx4whtnjCidi\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When the dust of harvest rolls and clogs up the efficiency of your combine filters, you don\u2019t keep going, you stop and clean or replace the filter. If you spread your fingers open across your face, you are creating body language for the conflict filter clogging up the communication for your farm team.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s time to get rid of your negative mindset around conflict.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Drop your hand from covering your face, look up and see the eyeballs of the person who needs to understand your needs, and start calm, respectful conversations with your family and farm team.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Can you embrace the idea and mindset conflict is not bad? Tension in making quick decisions in harvest time or other times of high stress does NOT have to cause instant blow-ups. The culture of your farm is what you believe to be true (your values), how you behave towards one another, and how you make decisions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Positive conflict behaviour looks like this:<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>You express your emotions in a healthy way.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> \u201cIt really frustrates me when you cut so high because the field operator in the fall is going to have issues with the high stubble. Would you please lower your header to this number\u2026\u201d. Slamming the pick-up door, and not talking is the way to keep your conflict unhealthy. Use a wide range of labels for how you are feeling or being impacted by other people\u2019s behaviour. \u201cWe go to a lot of work to support you in the field and we really feel valued and appreciated when you make the effort to bring the meal buckets home to the back door as a sign of courtesy to us. Thank-you for being considerate of what we need.\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>You create solutions and don\u2019t attack the person<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. \u201cWow that combine is really plugged up, you are such an idiot, why can\u2019t you every learn to slow down?\u201d Yikes ! <\/span><b>Practice attacking the issue<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. \u201cThe combine is plugging too much, have you figured out why? Mine is set like this, and this is the speed that\u2019s working for me today. Let\u2019s see what solutions we can work out for the plugging to stop for you.\u201d Lumpy swaths may be operator error or high winds !<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>You are willing to reach out to check how others are doing<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. \u201cHow are you doing, are you okay?\u201d is much more helpful than asking \u201cHow are you?\u201d Look people in the eye as you listen to their response. Head down, or avoidance of eye contact is a non-verbal answer things are not okay. Reaching out to others is a positive conflict behaviour. The receiver gets to choose their response, and you as the sender of the message cannot predict the response. Everyone gets to choose if they are going to be kind, calm, and respectful. The receiver can also ask for a timeline to be able to process the response rather that swearing, yelling or throwing a shovel in frustration. Bad behaviour is not tolerated on healthy farms. You get the behaviour you accept, so why are you accepting bad language and violent outbursts?<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>You are willing to adapt<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Farmers are masters at adapting to challenges. During the high stress of harvest, you can choose to monitor your physical, emotional and mental health with good choices. Rest, good food, encouragement from others, connection to your supportive family and friends, happy radio banter on the two-ways, and positive texting with appreciation. Your language and behaviour set the tone for each long harvest day. \u201cBeing clear is kind\u201d, says Brene Brown, a well know researcher on vulnerability.\u00a0 Machines don\u2019t talk with words, but they vibrate, clunk, and don\u2019t sound well and you stop. People are not machines. People need to be able to ask for what they need and know their voice is respected and heard. Perhaps it is time to ask your crew, \u201c<\/span><b>What\u2019s the most important thing you need today to make it a great harvest day?\u201d<\/b><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Put yourself in someone else\u2019s shoes<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Do you know what it feels like to be over 70 with a tender back and spend 13 hours in a combine seat? Is the grain cart operator clear about what it means when lights are blinking, and you have your auger out? Don\u2019t make assumptions your behaviour is well understood, check in with the other person. Try to imagine what it feels like to be a parent with 3 active young children trying to keep up with the field demands of harvest and the crew. The ability to shift your perspective is a huge positive conflict behaviour. As folks age on the farm they may lose confidence in their abilities, especially if the environment is highly charged with blame and bad language. Young people also need positive feedback and constructive comments to help them gain more confidence in completing their tasks well.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoiding conflict just allows the issue to grow and the ability for reasonable solutions to wane as time goes on. \u201cStuffing your anger, hurt, fear or frustration\u201d is the recipe for a volcanic event, also known as a blow-up. Conflict avoidance is not helpful. Ask for time to have a conversation. Make your request for a change in behaviour. Seek permission to create solutions together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can change your mindset, thoughts, language, and actions. You can set the tone for a healthier culture on your farm. If you need more concrete encouragement on how to do this listen to my <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-harmony-podcast\/\">podcasts<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Have a safe harvest and encourage the heart of your farm with kindness and appreciation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\" style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Elaine Froese and her team of coaches can coach you from your tractors and combines. Visit <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/membership\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/membership<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0to join our membership and get group coaching 3 times a month. Ask us about the online Conflict Dynamic Profile to help you get better at conflict !<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy <strong>How to Clean Up Your Conflict Filter and Shift Your Avoidance Mindset<\/strong><\/span><strong><span style=\"color: #622181;\">?<\/span><\/strong><span style=\"color: #662d91;\"> You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/09\/12\/thinking-inside-the-box-of-lateral-thinking\/\">Thinking Inside the Box of Lateral Thinking<\/a><br \/><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/29\/how-to-discuss-the-undiscussabull\/\">How to Discuss the UndiscussabullTM<\/a><br \/><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/15\/defining-moments\/\">Defining Moments<\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;Section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;Row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/Key-Challenges-Audit-Sheet.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Key Challenges Audit Sheet&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/Elaine-Froese-Key-Challenges-Audit-Sheet.pdf&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Elaine Froese shares 5 ways you can shift your conflict behavior towards positive resolutions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9969,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[297,1124,3,4,70,169,113,74,259,363,353,35,49,441,195,76,369,26,367,1832,398],"class_list":["post-9958","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-agriculture","tag-coaching","tag-communication","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-elaine-froese","tag-families","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farm-family-coaching","tag-farm-family-discussions","tag-farm-folks","tag-farm-management","tag-farm-relationships","tag-farm-team","tag-farmers","tag-farming-business","tag-farming-family","tag-inspiration","tag-iowa-farming","tag-young-farmers"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - 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