{"id":9884,"date":"2024-08-29T10:15:00","date_gmt":"2024-08-29T14:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=9884"},"modified":"2024-08-29T10:40:32","modified_gmt":"2024-08-29T14:40:32","slug":"how-to-discuss-the-undiscussabull","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/29\/how-to-discuss-the-undiscussabull\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Discuss the Undiscussabull"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; collapsed=&#8221;off&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/oYHKTVMf6Mg?si=40GLq0tTVtAzY3p-\" title=\"YouTube video player\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Twenty years ago at coaching school I embraced a beany baby bull as the metaphor for the \u201cbull in the middle of the farm kitchen\u201d which\u00a0 no one wants to talk about. My \u201c Tools for Talking about tough issues\u201d can help you navigate the hot days of August on the combine, grain cart, pasture, or off-farm job.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Take Charge<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. You get the behaviour you accept. My combine driving days are past, but I recall our employee Ray explaining to me why it was important to cut the grain lower and not too high. This was unusual behaviour for him as he wasn\u2019t often very vocal about what would make his field work jobs easier to have a better outcome. What are you not taking charge of that you know you should be acting on? I hereby give you permission to ask for what you need. Do it with a kind tone of voice and with respect for the other person.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Come from curiosity<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. My daughter in law has mastered this one when she asks for support with childcare. I appreciate her approach. \u201cI\u2019m just curious if you have time in your day to\u00a0 _________\u201d. Curiosity comes across without a sense of making a demand or having judgement. It is also helpful to you the words \u201cWould you be able and willing to\u00a0 _______\u201d. It gives the listener a sense that you truly care to allow them to have a choice in their response for action. Marilee Adams calls this having a learner mindset not being a judger.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Ask deeply. <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0Use open ended questions which don\u2019t have a yes or no answer. \u201c Tell me how you are feeling during this harvest. You seem to be very frustrated. Can you share what is really going on for you right now ?\u201d Express your desire to be supportive and not a cause of the frustration.\u00a0 Be open to feedback and give permission to the manager, family member or other workers to share vulnerably with how things are going.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Dissect resistance.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Rick Maurer wrote \u201cWhy don\u2019t you want what I want\u201d many years ago. He sees pushback in conflict coming from the head, heart and gut.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Folks may not be brave enough to admit to you that they don\u2019t understand how to set the monitors\u2026it\u2019s a head issue. Others may be pushing back from requests because they have an emotional trigger which tells them \u201cI don\u2019t like how this feels !\u201d Others may intuitively feel a lack of trust in their gut which tells them\u00a0 \u201cI knew it was a bad idea not to check the fuel lid was tight on this combine !\u201d Resistance to talking about tough issues can come from not understanding what is being discussed, not liking how it feels, and not trusting the request for action.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Really listen.\u00a0 <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Silence your cell phone or better yet put it away in another room . Be present to the conversation at hand. Many coaching families are surprised at the gift of feeling like they have been heard for the very first time. Are you able to seek out common interests by seeking what everyone wants for your farm? Things like family harmony, collaborative decision making, fair compensation? When people\u2019s needs are not getting met you get conflict. Where are the needs disconnect happening?\u00a0 Our 5 guys harvesting tell us what they like to eat, and drink for meals in the field. We listen. And the next question is, have you listened to what your support team needs to make their jobs easier? (It has something to do with not letting\u00a0 food container stuff mould in the tractor ).<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Take time to ponder.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Plugging a combine is not fun, neither is shoving decision making too quickly when folks need time to process a lot of new information. Ask the other person \u201cBy when you will be able to give me a decision on this?\u201d\u00a0 Parts people know the urgency of fulfilling orders in the chaos of harvest breakdowns. Remember some folks need more time to make decisions but be sure you agree on the time of execution of the decision. Share your intent about why the decision has a timeline and is so important for you to have an answer. Reflect on the other person\u2019s comments and body language and let them know what effect their communication has on you.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not my intent to push you away Dad, but we need to figure out new roles for you on this farm as you step back without stepping away. It\u2019s time for me to manage the harvest, and I am happy for your input and wisdom.\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Play with possibility.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 It was a happy day when our neighbour and his friends pulled into the field with 3 more combines late in the season. He was finished and saw the need. We didn\u2019t think to ask for help, he just showed up. Sometimes we get tangled up when we pre-judge the outcomes for problem solving. Dream big and explore options.\u00a0 \u201cWhere is it written\u201d that is it bad to ask for help?\u00a0 As I write this, I have already saved 18 hours of my time by having a teenager cut our grass this summer. Leaves me more time for pulling weeds or seeking out lower maintenance yard work options (deep mulch). As you harvest this year, use your time to play with other options for business agreements, possibility a joint venture with a non-family member.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Cultivate trust <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">by being reliable and accountable. Do what you say you are going to do. If you make a mistake, own it, be open about what happened, and then ask what you can do to make things right. This sounds like basic common sense, but as the Australians say, \u201cCommon sense is uncommon practice.\u201d Procrastination and poor timing in harvest can cost thousands of dollars. What is the procrastination of avoiding hard conversations costing you with the lack of effective decision making for the future of your farm ? Strategic Coach Dan Sullivan argues procrastination is a good thing while you are building your team of advisors or helpers to get the solutions you desire, if you don\u2019t have the skills in place to do things yourself. Doing the harvest yourself is not going to work, and neither is doing the transition management plan by yourself going to work either. Grab the bull and get talking !<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p class=\"p1\" style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Elaine Froese, Certified coach has a team of coaches ready to help you talk about tough issues. Finding Fairness in Farm Transition workshops help your family find harmony through understanding. Harvest is her favorite time of year, and it can last a long time ! <\/span>Contact her and her team <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/contact\/\">here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy <strong>How to Discuss the Undiscussabull <\/strong><\/span><strong><span style=\"color: #622181;\">?<\/span><\/strong><span style=\"color: #662d91;\"> You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/15\/defining-moments\/\">Defining Moments<\/a><br \/>\n<a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/06\/appreciative-inquiry-focus-on-your-family-strengths-to-move-forward\/\">Appreciative Inquiry \u2013 Focus on Your Family Strengths to Move Forward.<\/a><br \/>\n<a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/07\/18\/watch-how-your-language-kills-transition-conversations-and-affects-your-mental-health\/\">Watch How your Language Kills Transition Conversations and Affects your Mental Health.<\/a>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;Section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;Row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/Kick-start-Succession-Conversations.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Kick-start Succession Conversations&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/ElaineFroese_Kick-Start_Succession_Conversations_Final.pdf&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Find out the tools for talking about tough issues which can help you navigate discussions on your farm.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9900,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[297,1124,3,4,70,169,74,259,363,353,35,7,49,195,76,369,26,1832,398],"class_list":["post-9884","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-agriculture","tag-coaching","tag-communication","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-elaine-froese","tag-families","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farm-family-coaching","tag-farm-family-discussions","tag-farm-folks","tag-farm-legacy","tag-farm-management","tag-farm-team","tag-farmers","tag-farming-business","tag-farming-family","tag-iowa-farming","tag-young-farmers"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - 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