{"id":9835,"date":"2024-08-15T09:35:00","date_gmt":"2024-08-15T13:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=9835"},"modified":"2024-08-16T12:31:03","modified_gmt":"2024-08-16T16:31:03","slug":"defining-moments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/15\/defining-moments\/","title":{"rendered":"Defining Moments"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; collapsed=&#8221;off&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/tkwCatQiK54?si=YqHKtW1GIeYv1p4k\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Besides the obvious ones (learning to drive, graduating high school, purchasing my first vehicle) I\u2019ve had three defining moments in my life. At least, these are the ones that have impacted me the most in the last 20 years.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Number one, my first therapy session. I think I was 22 years old, newly married, studying Agricultural Economics in University and eagerly navigating how to become an owner of the family farm business. I can\u2019t remember why I decided to go. I do remember feeling angst at what I would later learn was my inner voice. I was fed up with the nearly constant messages of doubt, shame and resentment that it was giving me. All I remember from that first session was a drawing of an iceberg floating in water on a whiteboard. An iceberg is 95% below the water\u2019s surface. My therapist used it as an analogy to the complexity of everybody\u2019s stories &#8211; there is so much more below the surface that can be discovered. The other thing I remember was walking out of that session and thinking to myself, \u201cwhat have I done? This can of worms can\u2019t be closed!\u201d It was scary to be so vulnerable and have someone ask questions that dug up the past and brought up forgotten hurts.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The number two defining moment in my life was a family meeting at our farm facilitated by Elaine. This time I was 28 years old and had a three month old baby girl. Ashley and I still believed farm ownership was in our future, however, it had become obvious that we needed help getting there. We suggested to my parents that they hire Elaine to help. I have many memories of what happened at that meeting but the strongest is, after breaking down in tears during a difficult conversation, being told by a family member that it was inappropriate to let emotions interfere at the workplace. Instead of agreeing with this family member, Elaine explained how important emotions were in any business relationship. That we all need to understand how our emotions play into decision making and how they affect our actions. She wasn\u2019t giving permission to act inappropriately but rather acknowledging that I didn\u2019t need to be ashamed of how I was feeling.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The last defining moment for me was the birth of my third child. I was 35 years old and had two young children already. Finding out we were expecting for the third time was a surprise to both of us. I took a little bit longer than my wife to process the news. I reached out to all my \u201cdad friends\u201d that also had three or more children for support. They listened and offered stories from their own experiences and it helped. However, I was still worried about how a third child would affect our lives. I couldn\u2019t see through the incoming chaos to the wonderful news of another little person that would be joining us. You see, chaos is really scary to me. I like to control things and little babies can\u2019t really be controlled. I know I wasn\u2019t pleasant to be around during that time.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It wasn\u2019t until I held that little girl for the first time that the concept of joy made real sense to me. As I held my little bundle of chaos, I was completely overwhelmed with fear and gratitude at the same time. Profound sadness along with an equally profound happiness. I remember it vividly as an odd sensation that left almost as quickly as it arrived. I learned later that the feeling I experienced is commonly described as joy. Jordan Peterson says in his book, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">12 Rules for Life<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, that \u201cif you shoulder the burden of life, you just might experience joy.\u201d I think that\u2019s exactly what I was doing. Despite my fear of having another child, I showed up and embraced the chaos and all of a sudden life made sense.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These three moments stand out in my mind as defining moments in my life. The first therapy session I ever attended made me feel afraid of facing myself but I stuck with it and continue to see a therapist to this day. It\u2019s often uncomfortable and I seldom feel like showing up but after each session I\u2019m glad I did. The benefits far outweigh the feelings of discomfort. It\u2019s taught me how to be a better spouse, father, son and friend. It\u2019s taught me how to empathize with those I interact with on a daily basis. We\u2019re all complex individuals with only a sliver of visible \u201ciceberg\u201d showing. The more we discover below the surface the better.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Attending a family meeting and being told not to be ashamed of my feelings taught me to learn how to regulate my emotions and to be attentive to them. We are all emotional beings. It\u2019s the way our bodies work &#8211; our brains react to experiences and create feelings in our bodies. Understanding what causes feelings and how they operate releases us from being held hostage by them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Discovering that I was going to be a Dad for the third time created a profound sense of fear in my body. That fear turned into worry and I became convinced that there was no way Ashley and I would be able to survive. By facing that fear of the unknown head on, rather than running away, I discovered there was light, or joy rather, at the end of the tunnel.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">All of these experiences have impacted who I have become. In preparation for becoming a farm transition coach, I\u2019ve trained in conflict resolution, mediation, group facilitation and coaching practices. The decision to train in these areas is part of my professional learning plan. The skills I\u2019ve learned spill over into my personal life. And the same is true for my personal life skills spilling over into my professional life. My attitude is one of lifelong learning, professionally AND personally. All experiences shape who we become. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Lyle Wiens<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\" style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese and her team of coaches are waiting to help you discover you next steps towards the life you\u2019ve always wanted on your farm as you transition. Contact her and her team <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/contact\/\">here<\/a>. Book Elaine to speak in 2025 now !<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy <strong>Defining Moments<\/strong><\/span><strong><span style=\"color: #622181;\">?<\/span><\/strong><span style=\"color: #662d91;\"> You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/08\/06\/appreciative-inquiry-focus-on-your-family-strengths-to-move-forward\/\">Appreciative Inquiry \u2013 Focus on Your Family Strengths to Move Forward.<\/a><br \/><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/07\/18\/watch-how-your-language-kills-transition-conversations-and-affects-your-mental-health\/\">Watch How your Language Kills Transition Conversations and Affects your Mental Health.<\/a><br \/><a class=\"wp-block-latest-posts__post-title\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/07\/04\/great-questions-to-uncover-inheritance-expectations\/\">Great Questions to Uncover Inheritance Expectations<\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;Section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;Row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/Because-I-Love-You-List-3.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Because I Love You List (3)&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Because-I-love-you-list-Elaine-Froese.pdf&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Find out the true sense of the power of being transparent from Lyle Wiens, the newest teammate on our coaching team.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9877,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[297,1124,3,70,169,74,259,363,353,35,7,195,76,369,26,367,1832,398],"class_list":["post-9835","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-agriculture","tag-coaching","tag-communication","tag-elaine-froese","tag-families","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farm-family-coaching","tag-farm-family-discussions","tag-farm-folks","tag-farm-legacy","tag-farm-team","tag-farmers","tag-farming-business","tag-farming-family","tag-inspiration","tag-iowa-farming","tag-young-farmers"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - 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