{"id":9104,"date":"2024-01-18T07:00:14","date_gmt":"2024-01-18T12:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=9104"},"modified":"2024-01-18T14:22:12","modified_gmt":"2024-01-18T19:22:12","slug":"how-to-get-those-tough-and-tender-conversations-started-in-2024","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/01\/18\/how-to-get-those-tough-and-tender-conversations-started-in-2024\/","title":{"rendered":"How to get those tough and tender conversations started in 2024"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/tnhkXiawj_4?si=zoDahu4toRv5oasD\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><strong>Seven years ago, here\u2019s what I said about getting transition conversations started:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><strong>Show up as adults<\/strong> to attack the issues, do not attack the person who is delivering ideas for change.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Understand transition is a journey<\/strong> of many plans, with communication as the foundation.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Spend some quiet time with yourself<\/strong> thinking about what you truly want and when. What is your business plan and vision for the farm, and for your family?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Engage your spouse\/or partner<\/strong> to see what they want. If your visions are not aligned, you are stuck.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Work on improving your ability to express emotions<\/strong> and your true feelings to be able to create solutions. The conversations ahead are going to be emotionally laden, and you need to put yourself in the other person\u2019s shoes to be able to resolve conflicts and tension.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Know you are not alone;<\/strong> thousands of farm families are also on this journey. If you want to shorten your learning curve sign up for our membership <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\/membership\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">here<\/a><\/span>.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Start crunching numbers<\/strong> with your lender to figure out the debt-servicing capacity of both generations. Parents need to build their farm&#8217;s financial liquidity, address income streams for living, and what is expected to come from the farm business.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Build your circle of emotional support<\/strong> and transition success. Reach out to folks in your community who have transitioned well and copy their success. Share the story with them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Use great expertise.<\/strong> Consider a coach or facilitator for the communication process. Doing family meetings yourself is not a good idea for folks who are highly conflicted or not great at sharing verbally.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-9106 alignnone \" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/How-to-get-those-tough-and-tender-conversations-started-in-2024.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"515\" height=\"343\" srcset=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/How-to-get-those-tough-and-tender-conversations-started-in-2024.jpg 515w, https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/How-to-get-those-tough-and-tender-conversations-started-in-2024-480x320.jpg 480w\" sizes=\"auto, (min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 515px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<p><em>Why don\u2019t folks want to talk?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Why are Dad and Mom reluctant to share the financial reality of the farm?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Founders are afraid of failure and losing wealth.<\/strong> They may also be concerned about telling the truth. I just met a 63-year-old who took on way more land debt and will be mortgage-free at 83. Cash flow crunches on farms are getting tougher this season as interest rates rise, land is expensive, and expectations for growth need sound management.<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps the founders are <strong>embarrassed or sad<\/strong> when they see their personal net worth lower than expected at age 65. Being financially pressed takes creative solutions from all generations involved in the farm and it is high time you started sharing the cash flows, working capital, debt ratios, and personal living expenses of everyone consider these actions as you make your approach to the transition conversation in 2024.<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><strong>List your personal motivation<\/strong> for transitioning to the farm. What\u2019s the most important thing for you to talk about with the other generation? What is keeping you up at night?<\/li>\n<li><strong>What do you truly want<\/strong> your life to look like on the farm as you step back without stepping away, and for successors, what timelines are in your head for becoming the manager?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Is your ideal day on the farm aligned<\/strong> with the same vision as your spouse? Or not? When is it the woman in agriculture\u2019s turn to get what she wants? If you and your spouse disagree about travel, moving off the main yard, or business growth, then you are likely stuck.<\/li>\n<li><strong>What do you want as you transition,<\/strong> and what do you NOT want? What could you live with? What is the worst that could happen if\u2026? How can I prevent it from going wrong? What can be done to minimize the impact if it does go wrong? These types of \u201cwhat if\u201d questions could be written on index cards as a conversation starter with yourself, your partner, and your successors.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Be curious<\/strong> about why your folks may be reluctant to talk about transition. Are they afraid of opening up a box of conflict they don\u2019t want to deal with? Are you the one who has discounted their ideas in the past, so since they feel their ideas have been shot down, they\u2019ll just continue the \u201csilent treatment.\u201d Many folks tell me they are anxious and overwhelmed about the future. Talking to create solutions is a great idea, but who is going to be the driver in your family to get folks to the table?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Resistance to change can come from the head, heart, or gut, or all three.<\/strong> What is the intellectual block of not understanding the transition process that is keeping folks stuck? Perhaps you have tried in the past, but advisors did not help you understand the emotional factors affecting planning. Folks like to say \u201cI get it !\u201d, they don\u2019t like to feel stupid when being told what to do with estate freezes, shareholder agreements, or capital gains provisions.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Sharing your true feelings<\/strong> and asking the other person what they need in the transition process will help you overcome the \u201cheart\u201d resistance to change. Do you have the capacity to tell your family what feels good in the decision-making process and what does not?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Trust is a huge barrier<\/strong> to getting folks to the table to talk. Will the ideas discussed be kept confidential? What does that mean or look like? How much do you as a young farmer feel trusted to take over the operation? What fears do you have of taking over control? How much of the management do you want to share, and is there goodwill here? What do you want from your parents to strengthen the level of trust in this family?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Farmers want their hard work to be appreciated and they want to be respected and heard. Identify the weaknesses in your current approach and consider writing your thoughts in a letter. Click <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/09\/22\/the-power-of-a-letter-to-get-unstuck\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">here<\/a><\/span> for more tips.<\/p>\n<p>In the next column, we\u2019ll unpack ways to put the power of perspective to work for all generations in transition.<\/p>\n<p data-pm-slice=\"1 1 []\"><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><i>Elaine Froese and her coaching team are here to serve farm families with accountability for action. Visit<\/i> <em><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\/membership\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">here<\/a><\/span> to learn more about group coaching or buy books to support your journey by visiting <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\/shop\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">here<\/a><\/span>.<\/em><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy <em><strong>How to get those tough and tender conversations started in 2024<\/strong><strong>? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/12\/21\/why-cant-farm-moms-ask-for-what-they-need\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Why Can\u2019t Farm Moms Ask for What They Need?<\/span><\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/12\/07\/entitlement-vs-fairness-in-farm-transition\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Entitlement vs. Fairness in Farm Transition<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><br \/><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/11\/23\/family-dynamics-are-you-going-to-be-the-leader-of-a-healthier-dynamic\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Family Dynamics: Are you going to be the leader of a healthier dynamic<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/Kick-start-Succession-Conversations.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Kick-start Succession Conversations&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/key-challenges-audit-sheet\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Consider these actions as you make your approach to the transition conversation in 2024.<br \/>\nList your personal motivation for transitioning to the farm. What\u2019s the most important thing for you to talk about with the other generation? What is keeping you up at night?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9109,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[3,983,70,837,169,112,25,113,1671,74,211,259,313,762,76,118,1702,1709,1708,1013],"class_list":["post-9104","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-communication","tag-conversations","tag-elaine-froese","tag-fairness","tag-families","tag-family","tag-farm","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-comes-first","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-familly","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farm-moms","tag-farm-transition","tag-farmers","tag-farming","tag-need","tag-tender","tag-tough","tag-wealth"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - 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