{"id":8789,"date":"2023-10-26T10:15:47","date_gmt":"2023-10-26T18:15:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=8789"},"modified":"2023-11-08T17:13:16","modified_gmt":"2023-11-09T01:13:16","slug":"the-emotional-and-financial-cost-of-nastiness-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/10\/26\/the-emotional-and-financial-cost-of-nastiness-3\/","title":{"rendered":"The Emotional and Financial Cost of Nastiness"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/tGWoLDqlQWs?si=hWDVti5hyOSw2CSH\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">First, my apologies to any readers named \u201cNancy\u201d, this is not really about you. I have coined the phrase \u201cnasty Nancy\u201d to describe anger-filled farm coaching clients.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These are the folks who are extremely negative, they threaten to leave the room and the conversation often. They are really closed off from any awareness of how their cruel habits drive the farm to \u201crack and ruin\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lest you think that I am talking about your farm or ranch, please be aware that the names in this column have been changed to protect the innocent, and my scenarios are composite stories of learning along my coaching journey.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I understand the value of being thankful and appreciative, which we celebrate this month as an official \u201cThanksgiving\u201d.\u00a0 I think it has been written many times before that we should be acting out \u201cthanks living\u201d every day of our lives.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It saddens me to see farm families grasping for solutions to the age-old problem of lack of appreciation, and missing general kindness and civility from the founders of the farm. The employees who had one day hoped to be equity partners in a thriving ag business, leave the farm in their prime because they just can\u2019t take being taken for granted, anymore. If nasty Nancy is married to loving Larry, Larry may well decide to end the marriage contract, and spend more time with his cows (or vice versa.)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Bullying behaviour from workaholic founders or early exits of potential, well-intentioned successors is costing farms way too much in terms of emotional relational capital and affecting the balance sheet. Sometimes the successors are nasty, too, which just adds fuel to the conflict fire, rather than addressing issues.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We reap what we sow. If readers could tell me who sowed all the foxtail barley in pasture fields, we might attack the source, and cultivate away the problem. Foxtail barley rubbed up against skin and socks is itchy and irritating to hikers. The same holds true for minor irritations that evolve into large tirades that crush any hope of things changing for the better. You get the behaviour you allow or accept. It is time to say \u201cLet\u2019s practice being more thankful for each other\u2019s contributions to our business, and our family.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-8805 alignnone size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/The-Emotional-and-Financial-Cost-of-Nastiness-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/The-Emotional-and-Financial-Cost-of-Nastiness-1.jpg 600w, https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/The-Emotional-and-Financial-Cost-of-Nastiness-1-480x320.jpg 480w\" sizes=\"auto, (min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) 600px, 100vw\" \/><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Enough of the negative effects of ingratitude. How do you challenge the behaviour?<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Acknowledge that each of us as adult farmers is responsible for our responses to others\u2019 behaviours and words. I get to choose my response. They say that it\u2019s the little foxes that spoil the vineyards. What small random acts of kindness and thankfulness can you intentionally create this week?<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Past behaviour tends to be a very good indicator of future performance, and this is why next-gen farmers leave for other careers or farms where they will be appreciated for their skills and insights. They don\u2019t have to work with \u201ctime-bomb\u201d style fathers forever. (See Stephen Poulter\u2019s book called \u201cThe Father Factor.)<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now that you are an expert at getting maximum production and efficiency out of your fields and livestock, it is time to brush up your human resource or people skills.<br \/><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I know your cows understand you, it\u2019s time to start understanding the power of appreciation and gratitude showered on respectful partners, family, and employees.<br \/><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the greatest stumbling blocks to stalling a great business continuance plan (a.k.a. succession plan) is lack of appreciation.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Eating your gold alone is a lonely endeavour, and you can\u2019t take it with you when you pass away, i.e. die. Some farmers see gifts as their preferred way of being affirmed, maybe in the form of cash, land, or bonus canola cheques. It\u2019s time to figure out how your way of being affirmed as a decent bloke in the business is best confirmed. Do you want words of verbal affirmation? Do you want quality time with your family? Do you want action or acts of service, such as the tools being put away in the shop without a tirade? Perhaps just a firm squeeze on the shoulder for a job well done will keep you humming until the killing frost.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Use regular farm business meetings with issues on the agenda to attack the problem and not the person.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The folks who entrust me to facilitate the sacred space of farm family meetings know well what relief feels like when the words of appreciation, forgiveness, and gratitude start flowing.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The emotional cost of being a \u201cnasty Nancy or cruel Charlie\u201d is immeasurable if you lose the relationship of your son or daughter and their children. The financial cost of taking others for granted can cause huge conflict avoidance and fear that keeps folks away from the source of fierce conflict triggers. This means that farms that need infrastructure changes, or capital planning re-structuring, don\u2019t get things done, because everyone is avoiding the bully, and staying clear of being un-appreciated.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Fear is a horrible motivator for lasting change. It\u2019s way better to be proactive and challenge the nastiness, rather than just accepting it as something that no one has the power to address or change. Find your voice, and speak up!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s resolve to be emotionally healthy adult farmers. Look in the mirror first. Chat with your spouse for helpful, loving feedback. Embrace the behaviours that are going to groom the next generation to want to love being on the farm for the next 30 years and create an emotionally rich legacy. That\u2019s the relational capital that costs thousands when someone leaves hurting, and the balance sheet never quite recovers from the high cost of re-training or finding a passionate replacement.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you are quiet and shy, find a non-verbal way to express your thanks to your farm team. If you are talkative, use a novel approach to show others how much you really care about them feeling appreciated. Break bread together, tell stories of the best part of the year so far, and find a way to build up the relational capital of your farm. In the end, it\u2019s really the richness of relationships that will outlast your time on earth.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Elaine Froese and her coaching team are here to help you find harmony through understanding. <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Visit <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to learn more about the Farm Family Harmony membership!<br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy <em><strong>The Emotional and Financial Cost of Nastiness<\/strong><strong>? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/10\/12\/managing-blended-families-on-the-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Managing Blended Families on the Farm<\/span><\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/09\/27\/power-of-attorney-protecting-your-farm-and-family\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Power of Attorney: Protecting Your Farm and Family<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><br \/><\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/09\/14\/boundaries-principles-for-farm-families-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Boundary Principles for Farm Families<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/How-To-Write-A-Letter-To-Get-Unstuck.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;How To Write A Letter To Get Unstuck&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/how-to-write-a-letter-to-get-unstuck\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The financial cost of taking others for granted can cause huge conflict avoidance and fear that keeps folks away from the source of fierce conflict triggers. This means that farms that need infrastructure changes, or capital planning re-structuring, don\u2019t get things done, because everyone is avoiding the bully, and staying clear of being un-appreciated.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8805,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[1124,1660,3,70,972,169,112,25,113,1659,74,259,76,118,1658,599,1661],"class_list":["post-8789","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-coaching","tag-coaching-journey","tag-communication","tag-elaine-froese","tag-emotional","tag-families","tag-family","tag-farm","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-coaching-clients","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farmers","tag-farming","tag-financial","tag-thanksgiving","tag-the-emotional-and-financial-cost-of-nastiness"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - 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