{"id":8639,"date":"2023-10-12T14:29:10","date_gmt":"2023-10-12T22:29:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=8639"},"modified":"2023-10-12T14:29:16","modified_gmt":"2023-10-12T22:29:16","slug":"managing-blended-families-on-the-farm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/10\/12\/managing-blended-families-on-the-farm\/","title":{"rendered":"Managing Blended Families on the Farm"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/2xTSa3EBBmw?si=LxTVDw7ygZa174qA\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you get married you blend two different styles of family dynamics, and it takes a while to adjust. According to the 2011 Canadian Census, 12.6% of Canadian families are step-parenting, and you can imagine the adjustments when these stepparents run farms.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In our coaching practice when we facilitate blended ag families navigating transition there are some key tools we use to help.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Communication:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0Having direct one-to-one conversations helps you get quickly to the key issues. Parents in blended families are wise to create one-to-one relationships with each adult child to build trust and respect. It\u2019s important to show up with kindness in your words and not participate in \u201cfamily gossip\u201d. Our team uses the PSI, personal style indicator to help the family learn what their key personal styles are, and how style impacts their ability to do tasks, keep track of details, influence their environment, and relate to people. (Ask for a sample PSI <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\/contact\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">).<\/span><\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><strong>Managing expectations.<\/strong> If you frame your blended family as a team, then as parents you will consult with each other to break down assumptions and present a united front to the rest of your team, the family. Blended families have a lot of loss to process which fuels sadness, anger, and fear. So ask open-ended questions like: \u201cWhat are you afraid of with our farm transition? What keeps you up at night? What do you need in this moment of our transition journey? What do you expect from me as your parent? And as an owner of this farm?<\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><strong>Embrace conflict resolution.<\/strong> Everyone in a blended family will be better off when conflict is resolved and seen as a business risk management strategy. Tools for talking about tough issues are the ability to come from curiosity and not judgment. You need to reach out to explore possibilities and create solutions. You learn to be okay with expressing deep emotions in a safe and respectful place and manner. You put yourself in the shoes of the other person to gain their perspective. Don\u2019t fight in front of your kids, even those who are now parents themselves.<\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><strong>Adopt new traditions that create a ritual for your new family.<\/strong> Thanksgiving is a classic example of how folks like to celebrate in certain ways. This may be the time to ask what is meaningful to carry on, and what expectations and traditions are no longer workable.<\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><strong>Set a good example.<\/strong> Model the behaviour you want to see in others and embrace differences. We say\u201d Different is not wrong, it is just different\u201d. We\u2019ve also experienced a very powerful adult child express his forgiveness to his stepmother in a family farm transition meeting. His step-sibling said, \u201cI want to be like you, that expression of forgiveness was very powerful!\u201d. You need to draw deep compassion for adult children who have varying needs.<\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><strong>Share the decision-making power.<\/strong> Managing blended families on farms is key when you are letting go of equity and decision-making power as the founder of the farm or ranch. It\u2019s important to have family business meetings with all your blended family, the farm heirs, and non-farm heirs, so expectations can be managed and your direction and intentions for transferring management and ownership are clear. It is very powerful when you can solve problems together and everyone gets to understand why certain decisions were made.<\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><strong>Use Thanksgiving as a reminder to update your documents.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><strong>Blended Family Checklist<\/strong> (FCC Canada June 2023 Agrisuccess)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cProblems can arise when farmers re-marry, but there are steps to help protect the farm business:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Sign a pre-nuptial agreement clarifying what each party owned coming into the relationship and how each would be split coming out. (If this is a difficult conversation our coaching team can help address this issue with facilitation.)<\/li>\n<li>Update wills- new relationships demand new wills.<\/li>\n<li>Update powers of attorney- do you want your ex-spouse to decide what happens to your financial affairs or make medical decisions?<\/li>\n<li>Review beneficiaries on life insurance, RRSPs, and other investments-make sure the designated beneficiaries match what the will says,<\/li>\n<li>Document financial transactions between spouses- loans between parties should be documented with amounts and repayment terms.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>My week before Canadian Thanksgiving is usually full of phone calls and emails asking for some support on how to manage the expectations of getting together with family when the dynamics are tense with few folks talking together.<\/p>\n<p>This year is your opportunity to reflect on how you are showing up as a decent, kind, compassionate person. Are you willing to accept other folks may see the world differently than you do? Can you explore ways to understand the vision for the family and the farm? I can see the teary eyes of the folks who come up to me after I give a speech at a conference.<\/p>\n<p>They want to know how to deal with blended families when the expectations of each adult child are just not workable or realistic for the parents\u2019 financial goals and abilities.<\/p>\n<p>Every family is messy and has issues. Some families are proactive and willing to work out ways to create harmony through understanding. Other families are impatient and self-centered, so they just don\u2019t show up for turkey and they avoid any kind of hard conversations altogether.<\/p>\n<p>You get to choose.<\/p>\n<p>I just wish you could have been present at the stepfamily meeting with heaps of adult children around the table, passing the beanie baby bull talking stick, and saying how grateful they were to finally understand why decisions for transition were being made, and that their input was being respected.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Make this Thanksgiving different.<\/strong> Reach out. Adapt to others. Share deep appreciation for each other and the many gifts you have been given as a child growing up in agriculture in one of the best places on earth.<\/p>\n<p>Give thanks with a grateful heart. Honour your parents. Be a team.<\/p>\n<p>Be courageous. Blended families can work.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Elaine Froese and her coaching team are here to help you find harmony through understanding. <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Visit <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Sign up for the Farm Family Harmony membership now!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy <em><strong>Managing Blended Families on the Farm<\/strong><strong>? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/09\/27\/power-of-attorney-protecting-your-farm-and-family\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Power of Attorney: Protecting Your Farm and Family<\/span><\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/09\/14\/boundaries-principles-for-farm-families-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Boundary Principles for Farm Families<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><br \/><\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/08\/30\/plugged-combines-and-poor-communication-tops-now\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Plugged combines and poor communication stops now!<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/Kick-start-Succession-Conversations.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Kick-start Succession Conversations&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/kick-start-succession-conversations\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dr. Henry Cloud is my favourite mentor about boundaries, and his  \u201cOne Life Solution Workbook\u201d engages us to seek out an audit of our time, our weak spots which he calls holes in the fences of our boundaries. I have summarized his 10 Laws of boundaries with my spin for farms.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8650,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[1651,1124,3,1650,70,1647,169,112,25,113,74,259,76,118,1649,1646,1620,106,599,1648],"class_list":["post-8639","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-blended-family-checklist","tag-coaching","tag-communication","tag-decision-making-power","tag-elaine-froese","tag-embrace-conflict-resolution","tag-families","tag-family","tag-farm","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farmers","tag-farming","tag-good-example","tag-managing-expectations","tag-motivation","tag-respect","tag-thanksgiving","tag-traditions"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Managing Blended Families on the Farm - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When you get married you blend two different styles of family dynamics, and it takes a while to adjust. According to the 2011 Canadian Census, 12.6% of Canadian families are step-parenting, and you can imagine the adjustments when these stepparents run farms.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/10\/12\/managing-blended-families-on-the-farm\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Managing Blended Families on the Farm - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When you get married you blend two different styles of family dynamics, and it takes a while to adjust. 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