{"id":8048,"date":"2023-07-20T12:22:16","date_gmt":"2023-07-20T20:22:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=8048"},"modified":"2023-08-09T15:53:18","modified_gmt":"2023-08-09T23:53:18","slug":"tools-to-get-better-at-fixing-farm-fightsconflict-resolution-101","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/07\/20\/tools-to-get-better-at-fixing-farm-fightsconflict-resolution-101\/","title":{"rendered":"Tools to get better at fixing farm fights\u2026conflict resolution 101"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/zmTqjMaBQbY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I hope this finds you living a whole-hearted life on your farm, not living with broken hearts. The deep emotions we carry as \u201cstoic or stubborn\u201d farmers need to come to the surface and let the healing begin. The emotional factors in your farm dynamic are keeping you stuck, and now is the time to grab the bull by the horns and say \u201cEnough!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a coach with training in conflict resolution and mediation, I have gleaned some skills to pass on to you to change the nature of conflict or fighting on your farm.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Conflict is not bad. Unresolved conflict is hurtful and frustrating and diverts good management energy toward drama. Just because there is drama on your farm, you don\u2019t have to attend the performance. It\u2019s time for new tools.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If I could wave a magic wand over your head and give you superpowers to navigate tough conversations in your kitchen, here\u2019s what I would show you.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Love does not read minds<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. You might think holding your \u201ccards close to your chest\u201d is prudent, but it is stupid. I have no idea what you are thinking, feeling, needing, or wanting unless you tell me. People need to talk. Everyone needs to listen. Families are meant to be a source of nurture and love, a place to provide roots and wings.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Talk with a tone of grace and kindness,<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> not abrasive swearing or yelling. Honey is going to get you much further than a voice filled with vinegar. Listen to yourself. Do you like how you sound? Abrasiveness and profanity are not getting you the results you want.<\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Share your intent<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Intentions are hidden in our brains and come out when we share why we want certain things. Many of you have heard my cookie story where I talk about my nasty interfering mother-in-law who puts baking in my freezer for her son while I am away speaking.\u00a0 Or do you remember the nice mother-in-law who blesses me by putting baking in the freezer to support me when I am away and cannot bake for her son, my husband. The intention of my MIL was not to be interfering, it was to be helpful. The same action, putting baking in the freezer, but the intents can be read two different ways.\u00a0 How about starting a sentence with \u201cIt is not my intent Mom and Dad to sound greedy or entitled, I just need to know the plan for us as a younger couple to find a way to build equity on this farm. I need to decrease the anxiety over the uncertainty of my future and my family\u2019s future!\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>What does everyone want?<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> This is called the common interest. I suspect you all want a harmonious working relationship and a profitable farm. You also want people to have roles that give them meaning and purpose as they age in place on the ranch. You likely don\u2019t want to be in business with non-farm heirs. People usually pull together in the same direction when they are clear about what they want and why. Do you know what you want? For income streams? For housing? For fairness? When the spouses don\u2019t want the same things, you are likely going to get stuck with no plan. One spouse is tired and wants a new life away from the hustle of the farm while the other is not ready to move or let go of decision making.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Pinches are tensions that build and are not resolved<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. In facilitated family meetings we have surprise announcements when folks start opening up to talk about what they truly want and why some things, e.g. Grandfather\u2019s quarter are so important to them. You may not know anger is simmering in your spouse or your heir when hurt has been caused without your knowledge. There may also be fear of failure when founders assume the next generation will not be able to manage debt or risk on the farm. Can you identify what is causing you to feel pinched or tense?<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>That was then and this is now.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Sometimes conflict is born from unrealistic expectations. In the 80s and 90s, many folks struggled to keep their farms, and they remember the pain of selling land to settle debt. Fast forward 40 years and we now have non-farm kids coming back to farm parents asking for large gifts of land. Fighting about expectations over land inheritance is a conflict issue to be addressed, not passed on to the next generation without an explanation of why you want to keep the farmland intact for the farming successors. Where is written it is your job as parents and founders to keep all your children economically equal? This is not workable. Lawyers can use \u201cpoison pill\u201d tools says lawyer Mona Brown, to make sure land is used for agriculture and not flipped a few short years after the land transfer.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Can you be a reconciler?<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Every conflict resolution story involves someone being willing to acknowledge wrongs done and then work towards creating a solution. When I ask families about their models of forgiveness they are dumbfounded. \u201cWe don\u2019t go to church, Elaine.\u201d That is not what I asked. How do you make things right when there is an offense caused, harm done, or things broken? <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Author Gary Chapman writes about saying sorry in\u00a0<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthier Relationships<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0(co-authored with Jennifer Thomas), but an apology may not be enough.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> What are you willing to do to make things right? Do you need to change your actions and behaviour? Is restitution necessary? I am deeply disturbed by the sad stories of entire sibling groups not speaking due to fights over land and inheritance. An entire branch of a family tree is severed due to greed, harsh words, and lack of forgiveness, along with no wills being read before the benefactor dies. Do you want to be rich in a relationship? What are you going to do to learn the skills of reconciliation?<\/span><\/li>\n<li aria-level=\"1\"><b>Would you invest in outside help to create clear communication?<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 Many farmers are independent types who love to fix things on their own. This may work on your favourite old baler, but it is not a great formula to do yourself when emotions are running high. The job of a facilitator\/coach is to keep the family conversation safe and respectful.\u00a0 <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese now celebrates 20 years as a certified Hudson Institute Coach and 42 years of marriage. Fill in the form on this page to sign up for her insights.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy<em><strong> Tools to get better at fixing farm fights\u2026conflict resolution 101? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/05\/24\/how-to-be-seen-and-heard-at-your-farms-decision-making-table-tips-for-in-laws\/\">How to be Seen and Heard at your Farm\u2019s Decision-Making Table: Tips for In-laws<\/a><\/span><br \/><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/04\/12\/how-to-ask-for-better-compensation-and-farm-perks\/\">How to Ask for Better Compensation and Farm Perks<\/a><\/span><br \/><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/03\/29\/how-to-be-a-better-listener-on-your-farm\/\">How to be a Better Listener on Your Farm<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Kick-start-Succession-Conversations.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Kick-start Succession Conversations&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/kick-start-succession-conversations\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I hope this finds you living a whole-hearted life on your farm, not living with broken hearts. The deep emotions we carry as \u201cstoic or stubborn\u201d farmers need to come to the surface and let the healing begin. The emotional factors in your farm dynamic are keeping you stuck, and now is the time to grab the bull by the horns and say \u201cEnough!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8058,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[1124,4,70,1564,1573,112,25,113,74,259,76,118,1584,180,90,39,1586,1585],"class_list":["post-8048","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-coaching","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-elaine-froese","tag-emotions","tag-empowering-growth","tag-family","tag-farm","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farmers","tag-farming","tag-grace","tag-intent","tag-kindness","tag-love","tag-reconciler","tag-tensions"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Tools to get better at fixing farm fights\u2026conflict resolution 101 - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"As a coach with training in conflict resolution and mediation, I have gleaned some skills to pass on to you to change the nature of conflict or fighting on your farm.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/07\/20\/tools-to-get-better-at-fixing-farm-fightsconflict-resolution-101\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Tools to get better at fixing farm fights\u2026conflict resolution 101 - 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