{"id":7850,"date":"2023-05-24T14:15:01","date_gmt":"2023-05-24T22:15:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=7850"},"modified":"2023-05-25T14:54:52","modified_gmt":"2023-05-25T22:54:52","slug":"how-to-be-seen-and-heard-at-your-farms-decision-making-table-tips-for-in-laws","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2023\/05\/24\/how-to-be-seen-and-heard-at-your-farms-decision-making-table-tips-for-in-laws\/","title":{"rendered":"How to be Seen and Heard at your Farm\u2019s Decision-Making Table: Tips for In-laws"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/10MVViE6ABA\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">I am curious &#8211; when you read this blogs\u2019s headline, who did you think of first? Was it your new daughter-in-law, who asks piles of questions about why you do things the way you do on your farm? Did you imagine your son-in-law driving quickly over the gravel as he left the yard? Is it your mother-in-law, who just cannot seem to remember you need an email invite to block time for the shareholder&#8217;s meeting? Or is it the aging fatigued father-in-law who is having a hard time \u201cletting go\u201d of having the final say on big decisions for your farm team?<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Our book \u201c<i>Farming\u2019s In-Law Factor: how to have more harmony and less conflict on family farms<\/i>\u201c is now almost 9 years old, but still going out the door to empower families to have each adult be seen and heard in the decision dynamics on their farm.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">There are many overlapping systems in play on a family farm. Your family circle is your nuclear family which relates to your parents or in-laws, and your siblings, who may also be business partners or farm heirs.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">The next circle is those who labour on the farm, family, and employees who are not related. The college grads who come back to the farm and are in this circle are keen to move to management.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">The management circle is where key operational and financial decisions are made for the farm, and lastly, you have the ownership circle where the equity grows to the owners. Draw 4 circles on a blank piece of paper and put the names of the players in each circle.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">If Dad is pulling back on labour but not training the successor to be a manager, then frustration grows as college grads do not want to be doing all the grunt work without compensation and power to make decisions for business growth.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Fear of failure looms on the minds of founders who are not sure if the next generation is going to make huge mistakes and &#8220;lose the farm!\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">How do you make sure you&#8217;re seen and heard in the decision-making process as an adult successor or as an in-law? Is there a difference?<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">It depends on the culture of your farm.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Do the parents, and founders, acknowledge or value the input of their successors and their spouses?<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Or is the culture\u2019s unwritten rule \u201cLet\u2019s just keep it simple and not let the in-laws be any part of decision-making!\u201d OUCH.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>So, the first question is, what does your farm team truly value? The emotionally healthy farm teams value honesty, respect, teamwork, skill affirmation, and curiosity. They don\u2019t pre-judge the outcomes of tough situations and they seek to explore all possible solutions, research, and ask powerful questions.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">\u201cI\u2019m just curious, daughter-in-law &#8211; what are you needing at this moment to have a better understanding of your role and our expectations of you on this farm?\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Practice asking this question. It is a powerful question.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Listen to her answer. If you have a son-in-law, you can ask the same question, as they are typically caught in a different conflict resolution style and have married into the family dynamic of your daughter\u2019s story.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-7862 alignnone size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/Image-of-a-farm-discussion-How-to-be-seen-and-heard-at-your-farm.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"400\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Here\u2019s a helpful communication framework developed by Dr. Marshal Rosenberg who authored \u201c<i>Non-Violent Communication. A language of life: life changing tools for healthy relationships<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\n<li class=\"li1\"><strong>Observe:<\/strong> what are the behaviours you are seeing? Do your in-laws go \u201csilent\u201d when you are in the room? Are you being excluded from farm business decision-making and then hearing all about it at your supper table from your frustrated spouse? Ask the founders, directly, for clarity. \u201cI\u2019m just curious &#8211; what is your intention for helping me understand the operation of this farm, do you intend for me to stay out of the decision-making process? That is not how I expected my role to be.\u201d Be careful that you language does not to make judgments like \u201cyou always, you never\u2026or being labelled as \u201chigh maintenance or stupid\u201d. An observation might be: \u201cWhen I see you invite only the successors to the farm business meeting, it makes me feel like there is a reason why I am being left out, and I would like to know why\u201d.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Feeling:<\/strong> you need to identify and express your feelings. \u201cI feel scared when you say that.\u201d Rosenberg says \u201cBy developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect easily with each other. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. Hopefully, your feeling vocabulary is larger than mad, glad, or sad. Click <a href=\"https:\/\/lindsaybraman.com\/emotion-behavior-wheel\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here<\/span><\/a> to check out Lindsay Braman\u2019s helpful emotion behaviour wheel.\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Needs:<\/strong> If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met. I can relay countless stories of in-laws needing to have more respect, and founders asking for the same thing. I often have said, \u201cWe get the behaviour we accept, and love does not read minds.\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Are you making assumptions about what your farm team is thinking, feeling, needing, and wanting? Are you able to ask the other person, \u201cWhat do you need at this moment? Or in the next month? Or when you step back?\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>I am fairly certain there are many farm moms who would drop to their knees if someone sincerely asked \u201cMom, what do you need right now?\u201d Rosenberg believes emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.\n<p>\u201cAre you able to take responsibility for your intentions and your actions? You cannot fix other people. You can choose your own response and be curious with great questions about what the intentions of others really are.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Remember the basic tenet of conflict resolution is to share your intent &#8211; your \u201cwhy\u201d- because we cannot read your mind. The words and actions you create will influence us, and we give you feedback about what that feels like to us, and what actions we need to move forward.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\"><strong>Requests:<\/strong> You can make a request for certain behaviours and actions. What do you want from me? Be clear and use positive language to ask for what you want.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p class=\"p1\">Farmers often tell me they don\u2019t have time to read. Order Non-violent Communication as an audiobook for under 20 bucks.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">We all long to be seen and heard on our farm teams. Let me know how new language and insights empower your decision-making.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese, CSP, CAFA, CHICoach is building an online community for folks to be seen and heard as they grow their families and business. Visit <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/contact\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here<\/span><\/a> to share your thoughts or ask for a discovery call.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #662d91;\">Did you enjoy<em><strong> How to be Seen and Heard at your Farm\u2019s Decision-Making Table: Tips for In-laws? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/04\/07\/stop-the-in-law-rant-change-your-behaviour\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Stop the in-law rant, change your behaviour<\/a><\/span><br \/><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2013\/06\/07\/crippled-by-fear-of-court\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Crippled By Fear of Court<\/a><\/span><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2010\/11\/14\/broken-heartland\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Broken Heartland<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/How-To-Write-A-Letter-To-Get-Unstuck.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;How To Write A Letter To Get Unstuck&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/how-to-write-a-letter-to-get-unstuck\/&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I am curious &#8211; when you read this blogs\u2019s headline, who did you think of first? Was it your new daughter-in-law, who asks piles of questions about why you do things the way you do on your farm? Did you imagine your son-in-law driving quickly over the gravel as he left the yard? Is it&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":7862,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[1124,455,70,112,25,113,74,259,35,1559,1117,1558,76,118,1367,415,1562,1561,1563,1560],"class_list":["post-7850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-coaching","tag-decision-making","tag-elaine-froese","tag-family","tag-farm","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-family-coach","tag-farm-folks","tag-farm-in-laws","tag-farm-partners","tag-farms-decision-making","tag-farmers","tag-farming","tag-feeling","tag-in-laws","tag-needs","tag-observe","tag-requests","tag-tips-for-in-laws"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to be Seen and Heard at your Farm\u2019s Decision-Making Table: Tips for In-laws - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do your in-laws go \u201csilent\u201d when you are in the room? 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