{"id":4981,"date":"2021-10-21T13:08:24","date_gmt":"2021-10-21T19:08:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=4981"},"modified":"2021-10-26T20:36:40","modified_gmt":"2021-10-27T04:36:40","slug":"whats-possible-when-people-are-separating-they-dont-want-to-go-to-war","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2021\/10\/21\/whats-possible-when-people-are-separating-they-dont-want-to-go-to-war\/","title":{"rendered":"What\u2019s possible when people are separating &#038; they don\u2019t want to go to war?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-4982 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/Brighter-Challenge-Product-31.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"602\" height=\"401\" \/><\/p>\n<p>The Great Pause continues to amplify cracks in the family dynamic which may lead to separation and divorce in farm families. In my coaching practice this year for the first time I am navigating transition planning at the same time the founders are leaving their marriage. I am also receiving calls for help from women who once had a decent farm and ranch life and are now on welfare trying to discover where the assets are hidden.<\/p>\n<p>There is hope. Her name is <strong>Sara McCullough<\/strong> and like me she is self-employed. I have referred many folks to her for her expertise as a divorce financial analyst. That headline above that caught your attention is her direct quote. Sara has great mediation skills as a fee-for-service planner, and she\u2019ll tell you that she asks divorcing folks the exact same questions as her married clients. Sara has learned to speak to the common interests of the couple, the things they both want. Usually, parents understand they will always be co-parenting the children, so Sara counsels couples after they divorce, and she does it with grace and empathy. Her superpower is to help clients look at things differently.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How do farm families prepare for divorce by using the services of a divorce financial analyst?<\/strong> <strong>They don\u2019t<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>Sara just expects you to show up for the zoom call and dive into responding to her queries. Her response to being prepared is: \u201cWhy? I don\u2019t prepare when I take my car to the mechanic!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As couples separate, they may work with Sara in separate meetings, and she shares documents freely between the couple. This approach is effective and efficient. She also drives out to farm homes to sit beside the accountant and the farm couple to answer questions in <strong>\u201creal-time.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Here are some helpful questions for all of us, married or separated.<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What is the most important to you?<\/li>\n<li>What are you most worried about?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>How I (Sara) work is to meet with you and your ex-spouse to understand your goals and concerns. I\u2019ll give you a list of the documents I need.<\/p>\n<p>Can you trust that we are working for the best outcome for all?<\/p>\n<p>I know you said that it was important for you to have this specific outcome. Here are my concerns for you if you get that.<\/p>\n<p>I know you\u2019re feeling attacked by your spouse. When you told me how confusing and scary the financial division is, remember your spouse is likely as confused and scared.<\/p>\n<p>Clients tell Sara they \u201cwant to know they are going to be okay tomorrow and the next day. Am I doing the right thing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Huge grief and loss are real for folks on the divorce journey, Sara says \u201cClients often feel a lot of shame around a divorce, sometimes family, friends, and advisors use language that increases a person\u2019s sense of shame. It\u2019s time for that to change. You can\u2019t negotiate well or make good decisions when you are feeling ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sara McCullough has carved out a special financial planning niche, starting years ago, as existing clients who decided to divorce refused to separate their planning. Neither one would agree to get a new planner. They had an amicable, not warring relationship, and they like the identical packages of information that Sara shares. Preserving overall family assets was a goal for both people and they didn\u2019t see how two planners would achieve that. Sara is willing to sit with them in the complicated places of life. She helps folks understand in a broad sense how much is going to be allocated in settlements. She challenges clients to put a value on what they do for fun saying \u201cI\u2019m not trying to suck all of the fun out of your life, but are you getting $100 worth of fun out of it?\u201d She encourages her farm clients to save money when they automate their savings automatically out of the sightlines of the farm accounts, even $5000K a month is possible when it automatically is transferred to the savings account.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u201cSara Makes Sense\u201d is her podcast that encourages listeners to absorb her financial wisdom and learn from other advisors that she interviews.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve written before about the importance of knowing what you need for family living, and Sara feels many folks don\u2019t really know what is happening with their family living. She says the quickest way to figure it out is off tax statements. Many people like to hide their family living costs and justify their large outflows of cash.<\/p>\n<p>Men are typically initially afraid of endless child and spousal support when they meet Sara. Women tend to be afraid of <strong>\u201cnot being okay\u201d<\/strong>, in those statements, both men and women are saying they don\u2019t understand how they will each have enough money to cover expenses when they are separate when it didn\u2019t feel like enough when they were together. That\u2019s something that can be worked out, mapped out, and understood.<\/p>\n<p>When you are separating you need to <strong>\u201cfeel heard\u201d<\/strong> by your former spouse, and not be <strong>\u201cfiring off at each other.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-4983 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/Brighter-Challenge-Product-32.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"734\" height=\"489\" \/><\/p>\n<p>As farm women have approached me for advisors, I look to many of my CAFA colleagues, from the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors to give me good referrals. The approach of Alternate Dispute Resolution or ADR as it is known might be able to create a mediated solution and keep you out of court.<\/p>\n<p>Divorce on farms is a long journey, expectations of the \u201cnew life\u201d will have to be managed. If you have an amicable approach and consider the needs of the farm successors, you will have a much different outcome than the families who are bickering and hiding assets.<\/p>\n<p>The truth will set you free. Be open and be clear. Remember that your adult children also are grieving the loss of their parental relationships and there are many \u201cunknowns\u201d ahead.<\/p>\n<p>If you would like to have an introduction to Sara McCullough\u2019s work go to <a href=\"https:\/\/calendly.com\/plan-with-sara\">https:\/calendly.com\/plan-with-sara<\/a>, call 519-569-7526, or vis <a href=\"http:\/\/www.wddevelopment.ca\">www.wddevelopment.ca<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Keep your financial documents well-organized and continue to check in with the current \u201cstate of your union.\u201d Financial stress, mental health issues, and addictions are bending the resolve of many farm couples. Internet relationships are flaring up affairs, and folks are seeking connection in the aftermath of much isolation.<\/p>\n<p>It is not always the woman who is left behind. I\u2019ve also had calls from farm men who are in deep pain when their wives have wiped out bank accounts and taken off.<\/p>\n<p>Family secrets and hidden bank accounts do not make a healthy relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s all commit to a culture of transparency, honesty, and grace. It really helps when you cherish your mate and check in often to see how the other is really doing.<\/p>\n<p>There are 4 farms that touch our farm, and each one has experienced a divorce. I care deeply that folks can create new chapters for their lives when they need to let go of their spouse.<\/p>\n<p>One happy now-single woman used a divorce coach, a psychologist from Victoria named Bob Blank, 250-477-2662. It\u2019s not just about the finances, there are a lot of emotional factors that need healthy input and boundaries as you create a new life on or off the farm.<\/p>\n<p>Cherish one another.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>Elaine Froese, CAFA, CSP, CHI Coach is wired to help farm families find harmony through understanding.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\/store\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Visit Elaine&#8217;s store<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=MzZkE2e_RFY\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">watch her new speaker reel.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Did you enjoy<em><strong> What\u2019s possible when people are separating &amp; they don\u2019t want to go to war? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/how-to-prevent-divorce-on-farms\/\">14 Tips for How to Prevent Divorce on Farms<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/firewall-divorce-farm\/\">Creating a Firewall Against Divorce on the Farm<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/how-to-talk-to-your-boomer-dad-and-mom\/\">How to talk to your Boomer Dad and Mom<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The Great Pause continues to amplify cracks in the family dynamic which may lead to separation and divorce in farm families. In my coaching practice this year for the first time I am navigating transition planning at the same time the founders are leaving their marriage. I am also receiving calls for help from women&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6008,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[1183,1124,1184,631,1185,25,1186,309,393,72,74,1187,1188,1047,213,1189,1190,1191,1192,1193,1194,1195],"class_list":["post-4981","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-advisors","tag-coaching","tag-couple","tag-divorce","tag-divorce-financial-analyst","tag-farm","tag-farm-accounts","tag-farm-advisors","tag-farm-clients","tag-farm-couple","tag-farm-families","tag-farm-homes","tag-farm-men","tag-farm-successors","tag-farm-women","tag-financial-wisdom","tag-healthy-relationship","tag-interviews","tag-married","tag-pain","tag-separated","tag-separation"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>What\u2019s possible when people are separating &amp; they don\u2019t want to go to war? - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The Great Pause continues to amplify cracks in the family dynamic which may lead to separation and divorce in farm families. 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