![\"Spoiled](\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Spoiled-Farm-Children-and-Farm-Succession-How-to-Stop-the-Temper-Tantrums.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
As founders, we all want our farm children to be happy and successful. To make them happy, we’re often drawn to giving them what they want. But by the time they become adults, we also hope they’re grateful for the opportunity and don\u2019t take advantage of our generosity.<\/p>\n
When kids have always received something, whether it is money, assets or help, they can come to expect it. A sense of entitlement can result. Ultimately, it can lead to conflict when parents attempt to set limits on their support.<\/p>\n
So, let me ask you this:<\/p>\n
In the worst-case scenarios, adult children can begin acting like spoiled two-year-olds. They throw fits and demand what they want, when they want it.<\/p>\n
The parents may cave into the spoiled adult children\u2019s actions, allowing the destructive behaviour to continue.<\/p>\n
![\"spoiled](\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Depositphotos_168578146_m-2015.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
[Tweet “#Farmers, it is time to do things your way. Don\u2019t let your children dictate your #farm #succession.”]<\/p>\n
When parents allow children to behave poorly and take advantage of their kindness and goodwill, it sucks energy from the whole farm team.<\/p>\n
Unless someone calls your farm children on their immature behaviour, they may fail to thrive in other parts of their lives. Marital struggles may result if they feel others should take care of them, and they refuse to take responsibility for their own lives.<\/p>\n
But don’t worry \u2013 today I’m going to share with you some helpful advice for stopping temper tantrums in your adult farm children.<\/p>\n
Noticing you are enabling this behaviour and giving it a name is the first step in stopping this situation<\/p>\n
Being upfront with both your children and their spouses is important. They need to understand what has happened and what behaviours need to change.<\/p>\n
Family meetings with an agenda is a great way to consistently address the issue and any others that might be happening on the farm.<\/p>\n
Just be sure to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to have their concerns heard.<\/p>\n
Ask everyone to be prepared to talk and listen with respect. Use a talking stick to avoid interruptions while one person is talking.<\/p>\n
(For more tips, don’t miss this post on whose mouth should be moving at farm family meetings!<\/a>)<\/p>\n Yelling doesn\u2019t have to happen. There are other ways to communicate.<\/p>\n Raised voices are usually a result of exasperation, anger, or feeling powerless. It\u2019s a knee-jerk reaction to frustration.<\/p>\n If you find yourself yelling, ask yourself \u201cWhy am I yelling?\u201d If someone is yelling at you, ask them \u201cWhy are you yelling?\u201d<\/p>\n You can ask them to stop yelling or choose to talk to them later when they are speaking more respectfully.<\/p>\n Crying can be an honest expression of sadness or joy, but it can also be used as a tool to manipulate others through guilt. When someone is crying, it may help to ask, \u201cWhat is this really about?\u201d and allow the other person to answer.<\/p>\n Farm founders do not need to accept bullying from their children.<\/p>\n I have seen this happen recently where the parents have forgotten who worked hard for four decades to build up the farm. I am seeing an increase of widows who own land being bullied by their non-farming children.<\/p>\n This needs to stop.<\/p>\n Parents get to choose how to transfer their assets.<\/p>\n There is no obligation for founders to give any of their assets to their adult children (unless it is part of the compensation package for the adult child who has been working alongside you without full compensation or some other legal obligation<\/em>).<\/p>\n Draw on your trusted advisors to help you facilitate some tough conversations with pushy adult children<\/p>\n For more help with farm family transitions and succession planning, click here<\/a>.<\/p>\n Choose only to interact when people are speaking to you in a respectful tone of voice and manner.<\/p>\n Set timelines or deadlines as to when you need a response, for example, \u201cYou need to get back to me about this by tomorrow at noon.\u201d<\/p>\n Before you dive into a conversation with your children, daughter-in-law (DIL) or son-in-law (SIL), it is important to figure out what you are willing to negotiate, what is flexible, and what is non-negotiable.<\/p>\n You may want to write these things down and use it as a script at your family meeting.<\/p>\n Adult children can be masters at driving a wedge between parents, so be prepared as a couple to present a united front.<\/p>\n Farm founders should also make sure that they aren\u2019t pitting children against each other<\/a>.<\/p>\n Consider the fact that if you are unable to work well together with your adult children, they may need to find other options for working elsewhere in a joint venture with a non-family member.<\/p>\n Treat your adult children, DILs, and SILs as adults and expect them to act like adults. Some may no longer like being called \u201cthe kids\u201d! The expression \u201cyou get what you give\u201d works perfectly in this situation.<\/p>\n If you treat them like a kid, that’s how they will act.<\/p>\n It\u2019s okay for you as founders and parents to change the level of support or the type of support you give your adult children and their spouses.<\/p>\n Circumstances change. In tough weather seasons or even a global pandemic, you may have to make some financial shifts to meet payments.<\/p>\n What do you need to let go of?<\/p>\n The DIL or SIL may have been raised with different expectations around parental support or inheritance.<\/p>\n In-laws may be able and willing to give a different level or type of support to a child and his\/her spouse than the other side of the family.<\/p>\n Remember \u201cdifferent is not wrong, it is just different\u201d. No judgment.<\/p>\n If you seem to be having a large issue with in-laws, consider my book, Farming\u2019s In-Law Factor<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n Look at what other farm families are doing to get an idea about what might fall into the realm of \u201cnormal and reasonable.\u201d<\/p>\n You don\u2019t have to copy the neighbours, but it will likely help give you perspective on creating solutions.<\/p>\n You might be surprised to find that parents don\u2019t need to bail out children when they make poor choices or overspend, or that no one else in the neighbourhood is still washing their 30-year- old\u2019s clothing for them.<\/p>\n Be aware that mental illness may also be a factor in poor behaviour. Recognize the signs of depression or ask your local mental health worker and doctor for insight.<\/p>\n If your spoiled farm children are making the farm more stressful, start by identifying two things that you need to work on so that your household can function in a healthy way.<\/p>\n It\u2019s okay to say, \u201cenough is enough\u201d and put your foot down.<\/p>\n Set some tough love boundaries and stop enabling your adult child to keep acting childish.<\/p>\n Remember: Avoiding these tough conversations will not help your farm or family thrive.<\/p>\n If you want help navigating these tough conversations and circumstances, we should talk. Click here to learn more about my farm family coaching services.<\/a><\/p>\n Did you learn a lot from this post on farm children tantrums? You might want to check these articles out too:<\/strong><\/p>\n Developing the Right Mindset for a Successful Farm Transition<\/a> This article was originally published in 2018, and it\u2019s been updated just for you.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As founders, we all want our farm children to be happy and successful. To make them happy, we’re often drawn to giving them what they want. But by the time they become adults, we also hope they’re grateful for the opportunity and don\u2019t take advantage of our generosity. When kids have always received something, whether…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3735,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[950,951,952,329,118,953,954],"class_list":["post-3717","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-bad-behaviour-from-farm-children","tag-changing-bad-bahaviour-on-the-farm","tag-farm-children","tag-farm-succession","tag-farming","tag-spoiled-farm-children","tag-temper-tantrums"],"yoast_head":"\nDon\u2019t Yell<\/h3>\n
Don\u2019t Use Emotions to Manipulate Others<\/h3>\n
Don\u2019t Let your Farm Children Bully You<\/h3>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Bully-Free-on-the-Farm.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nRespect is Important<\/h3>\n
Know your Negotiation Points<\/h3>\n
Parents, Stay United<\/h3>\n
Consider ALL Options<\/h3>\n
Treat Adult Farm Children Like Adults<\/h3>\n
Don\u2019t Be Afraid to Change the Level of Support<\/h3>\n
Different is NOT Wrong<\/h3>\n
Look Outside of Your Farm<\/h3>\n
![\"spoiled](\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/transition-talk-Build-Your-Tribe-of-Support.jpg\")
<\/p>\nDo any of these insights about spoiled farm children resonate with you?<\/h2>\n
\nHow to Tell Non-Farming Children They Aren\u2019t Getting a RAW Deal<\/a>
\n9 Steps To Getting More Family Harmony on the Farm<\/a><\/p>\n