{"id":3458,"date":"2018-06-12T14:00:55","date_gmt":"2018-06-12T20:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=3458"},"modified":"2018-06-12T14:00:55","modified_gmt":"2018-06-12T20:00:55","slug":"the-father-factor-in-farming-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2018\/06\/12\/the-father-factor-in-farming-2\/","title":{"rendered":"The Father Factor in Farming"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/The-Father-Factor-in-Farming.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-3468\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/The-Father-Factor-in-Farming-710x365.jpg\" alt=\"The Father Factor in Farming\" width=\"710\" height=\"365\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\u201cYour father\u2019s particular parenting style is the template that forms the father factor in your career. If your father has died, that doesn\u2019t mean that the feelings from the relationship are dead.\u201d -Dr. Stephan B. Poulter, author of The Father Factor: How Your Father\u2019s Legacy Impacts Your Career.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Father-Factor-Fathers-Legacy-Impacts\/dp\/1591024102\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Poulter<\/a> believes that we learn from our father\u2019s rulebook about work, relationships, ethics, and money matters. I have learned to ask the founding parents lots of questions about how they got their farms, and what kind of relationships they have or had with their fathers. I am not a clinical psychologist like Poulter is, but I am looking for patterns and \u201cinternal rules or beliefs\u201d that shape the current conversational conflicts I am coaching.<\/p>\n<h3>The Father Factor in Farming<\/h3>\n<p>How attached are you to your dad? Poulter describes the four main emotional bonds as intermittent, avoidant, depressed, and secure. I am still coming across men who refuse to seek out a doctor\u2019s treatment for depression. These bonds will give light to some of the workplace issues like self-doubt, lack of focus and motivation, and fear of failure. Some of my immigrant families who have grown up in a culture of &#8220;work hard, don\u2019t play&#8221; have an extreme fear of failure that is driving them, and their kids, away from the family farm.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/Depositphotos_76285137_m-2015.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-3467\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/Depositphotos_76285137_m-2015-710x508.jpg\" alt=\"Father factor - how he affects your work\" width=\"600\" height=\"430\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Insights into your dad\u2019s style of relating may also help you figure out how his behaviour is impacting your farm business decision making.<\/p>\n<p>Is your dad what Poulter calls:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A super achiever<\/li>\n<li>A time bomb<\/li>\n<li>Passive or negligent<\/li>\n<li>Absent<\/li>\n<li>A compassionate mentor?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>How your father interacts with you is a critical piece of information that helps shape you! I discovered this when I asked a founding father about his relationship with his dad. The father died when the founder was only a teenager. For many years this farmer has been very cautious, self-sufficient, and not wanting to disclose his true fears to his farm family. This does not surprise me, but it helps me understand why the successors are frustrated. They want action, Dad wants caution. The farm mom confessed she should have called months ago!<\/p>\n<p>Another example is the \u201ctime bomb\u201d father whose adult business employee children noted that Dad\u2019s emotional inconsistency is creating havoc in the workplace. Their farm business needs better conflict resolution and trust. These adult sons have become very good at reading people and their moods, because of their father\u2019s \u201ctime bomb\u201d style. Unfortunately, I see this style all too often with fathers who are not great at collaborative conflict resolution.<\/p>\n<p>[Tweet &#8220;Find out how your #farming #fathers parenting style can affect your future and the #farms future.&#8221;]<\/p>\n<h3>The Rulebook<\/h3>\n<p>The father\u2019s &#8220;rulebook&#8221; can be internalized by sons and daughters. It\u2019s 2018 and daughters are also the successors to the farm. They are exhibiting the values of hard work, ambition, and achievement, just like their fathers. BUT, they are also crying out for work\/life balance.\u00a0 Poulter asks: \u201cDo you need to update your ways of relating that are based on your internal rulebook? There are unspoken rules that guide behaviour, thoughts, and beliefs.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Values concerning work on the farm are shaped by the role your father has played in your life.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/Depositphotos_106490532_m-2015.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-3466\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/Depositphotos_106490532_m-2015-710x470.jpg\" alt=\"Father factor - the rulebook\" width=\"600\" height=\"398\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Could you take just a few moments now to reflect on how your father has influenced your beliefs and attitudes about your farm career?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Do you respect your father\u2019s opinions?<\/li>\n<li>Can you book out some quiet time to have a courageous conversation with your dad about his parenting and work style, and how that affects you?<\/li>\n<li>Can you choose to respond to him in a much healthier way? Check out <a href=\"https:\/\/www.domore.ag\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Do More Agriculture Foundation<\/a>\u00a0where \u201cTalk more. Ask more. Listen more.\u201d is their mission. We need to change the culture of silence in agriculture and share our mental health stories.<\/li>\n<li>Do you realize how much your father is impacted by your grandfather?<\/li>\n<li>What insights into your dad\u2019s legacy can you learn from your mom\u2019s impressions?<\/li>\n<li>Do you realize that you can work out new beliefs and ways of relating to your dad?<\/li>\n<li>How would you like to thank your dad for his mentoring and compassion?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>What if you don\u2019t like your dad\u2019s girlfriend? Yikes. I said it. My mom died at 65 and my farming dad had a long-term girlfriend. I\u2019ve met young couples who are deeply frustrated that they cannot speak to their dad about his \u201cnew\u201d love life and how the uncertainty of the arrangement is impacting the farm\u2019s financial plans. &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.domore.ag\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Talk more. Ask more. Listen more.<\/a>&#8221; is also a good encouragement in this circumstance. Find out what everyone\u2019s intentions are. Be calm and respectful in your conversations.<\/p>\n<h3>More From Stephan Poulter<\/h3>\n<blockquote><p>\u201cEven after your father dies, he will still affect your professional relationships and career development. No matter what boys or girls say to their fathers in a fit of anger &#8211; for example, &#8216;I&#8217;ll never be like you&#8217; &#8211; or how much they try to distance themselves as adults, their dads still cast a long shadow. Typically, people undervalue their fathers&#8217; impact on their lives until their parents&#8217; death. Even then, many men and women don&#8217;t see how a father&#8217;s influence extends past personal traits into the professional world. The values you carry concerning work were formed many years ago in the context and backdrop of your father-daughter or father-son relationship.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>I challenge you to honour your Dad and respect him. Fathers in my coaching sessions sometimes go away feeling a little beat up, because the focus of the issues has many connections back to their choices. I encourage families to recognize what is really important to them and seek to understand the other person\u2019s perspectives.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/Depositphotos_51579569_m-2015.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-3465\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/Depositphotos_51579569_m-2015-710x474.jpg\" alt=\"Father Factor - honour your father\" width=\"600\" height=\"400\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>As a young farm girl, I was taught to be fearless around large steers, drive a combine, and drive in the big city. My dad saw me as a leader and encouraged me to explore the world. At my wedding, he announced that he was pleased I had chosen to marry a farmer. No one is perfect, and we can seek healing in understanding our relationships with our parents.<\/p>\n<p>You might also like to read \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Healing-Father-Wound-Christian-Time-Tested\/dp\/0764205358\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Healing for the Father Wound<\/a>\u201d by Dr. H. Norman Wright or even my own book &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/store\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Building Your Farm Legacy<\/a>&#8220;. This book can be a great gift for dad on Father&#8217;s day too!<\/p>\n<p>Cherish your family. I\u2019d love to dance with my dad one more time, but he is gone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cYour father\u2019s particular parenting style is the template that forms the father factor in your career. If your father has died, that doesn\u2019t mean that the feelings from the relationship are dead.\u201d -Dr. Stephan B. Poulter, author of The Father Factor: How Your Father\u2019s Legacy Impacts Your Career. Poulter believes that we learn from our&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3468,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[502,549,786,787,788,789,790],"class_list":["post-3458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-farm-family-relationships","tag-farming-fathers","tag-father-factor","tag-father-interaction","tag-father-daughter-relationship","tag-father-son-relationship","tag-leadership-styles"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Father Factor in Farming - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"While you are working under them, after you take over the farm, and even after they pass away, how you interact with your dad will impact how you work. 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