{"id":3008,"date":"2019-06-18T06:00:53","date_gmt":"2019-06-18T12:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=3008"},"modified":"2019-06-18T06:00:53","modified_gmt":"2019-06-18T12:00:53","slug":"build-a-strong-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2019\/06\/18\/build-a-strong-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Build a Strong Relationship: Marriage Fitness for Farm Couples"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-3018\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/How-to-Build-a-Strong-Relationship-with-Marriage-Fitness-2-710x365.jpg\" alt=\"How to Build a Strong Relationship with Marriage Fitness\" width=\"710\" height=\"365\" \/><\/p>\n<p><i>This article was originally posted on October 17, 2017, and has been updated.<\/i><\/p>\n<p>Does it ever feel like your spouse pays more attention to crop production than they do to you?<\/p>\n<p>These cracks really start to show when farm couples don\u2019t build strong partnerships.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d like to challenge you to get your marriage\/partnership into better shape through a practice known as \u201cmarriage fitness\u201d.<\/p>\n<h3>What is marriage fitness?<\/h3>\n<p>Mort Fertel explains what this term means in his book <i>Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building and Maintaining Phenomenal Love<\/i>.<\/p>\n<p>(I know farmers love checklists, so you will really like Fertel\u2019s approach.)<\/p>\n<p>In this post, I\u2019ll share some of his key questions and tips for building marriage fitness, as it pertains to farm couples. (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.barnesandnoble.com\/w\/marriage-fitness-mort-fertel\/1006207890#\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Buy his book here!<\/a>)<\/p>\n<p>[Tweet &#8220;Tips for building a strong #marriage, even when the #farm takes up most of your time.&#8221;]<\/p>\n<h3>Put love first.<\/h3>\n<p><b>What importance do you give to your marriage? <\/b><\/p>\n<p>Counselor Marsha Harris\u2019s question for couples is: \u201cAre you really there for me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you have a strong \u201cyes\u201d, then your marriage is likely a priority.<\/p>\n<p><b>I understand that crops, cattle, hockey, off-farm jobs, and fixing flat tires are part of the stresses you manage daily. But your marriage should always come first. <\/b><\/p>\n<p>How would you answer these questions: True or false?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>I speak to my spouse about non-logistical matters at least twice per day.<\/li>\n<li>I initiate positive, loving contact with my spouse at least twice per day. (Touch charge.)<\/li>\n<li>I spend more time interacting with my spouse than I do watching TV.<\/li>\n<li>I have at least one personal and meaningful discussion with my spouse each week for a minimum of 25 minutes (called a <i>SUPER<\/i> talk).<\/li>\n<li>I usually interrupt whatever I am doing if my spouse wants my attention.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These are some loaded questions, and Fertel has 13 more to determine if your marriage is out of shape, average, or if you are a marriage fitness champion.<\/p>\n<h3>What would it look like to put love first in your marriage?<\/h3>\n<p>My city friends practice \u201cdate night,\u201d which involves going out as a couple alone together once a week.<\/p>\n<p><b>Ha! <\/b><\/p>\n<p>For farm couples, your date nights have been taking fuel to the field, meals, or driving the combine while the other trucks load grain carts.<\/p>\n<p><b>This is exactly the issue!<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Making time for your growth as a couple gets put on the back burner until after seeding, after haying, after harvest, after calving, etc.<\/p>\n<p>Many folks don\u2019t even take a holiday off the farm together and seem to wear that as a badge of honour.<\/p>\n<p><b>You might not feel comfortable reading these words, but Fertel states: \u201cThe soul can only have one mate.\u201d <\/b><\/p>\n<p>So consider this, do you love your cows more than your spouse?<\/p>\n<h3>Remember: \u201cThe soul can only have one mate.\u201d<\/h3>\n<p>What would it look like to curtail your TV time, and spend more time face-to-face in deep conversation?<\/p>\n<p>If you are spending 10 to 20 percent of your time in front of Netflix or TSN, who is suffering?<\/p>\n<p>Regular farm family business meetings make farm families 21 percent more profitable, according to Dr. David Kohl.<\/p>\n<p>When was the last time you spent 45 minutes planning how to have more fun and better communication with your partner or spouse?<\/p>\n<p>Fertel thinks you can do this weekly, and find ways to have a least one romantic retreat per year!<\/p>\n<h3>Give presence: show up for your mate.<\/h3>\n<p>How well do you know your spouse?<\/p>\n<p>Can you give them what they want without them having to ask?<\/p>\n<p>You may have already found clues from Gary Chapman\u2019s <i>The 5 Love Languages<\/i>: acts of service, quality time, meaningful touch, gifts, and verbal affirmation.<\/p>\n<p>When I do things for my hubby, he is most grateful.<\/p>\n<p>When he hugs me in the morning before heading outside, I feel the gift of presence.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s a quiz to help you determine how well you know your spouse:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>What\u2019s most stressful for your spouse?<\/li>\n<li>What\u2019s the one thing your spouse has always wanted?<\/li>\n<li>What\u2019s the most relaxing thing for your spouse?<\/li>\n<li>What\u2019s your spouse\u2019s favorite way of making love?<\/li>\n<li>What type of vacation is preferred: beach, touring, or outdoor adventure?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Knowing <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-women\/love-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">what your spouse needs to feel cherished<\/a> takes time and lots of good questions.<\/p>\n<p>Gifts may not be that special, but your interest in intimate conversation will build up the emotional bank account of your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Decide to not talk about the farm after 10 pm. Use bedroom time for intimacy, <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farming-business\/5-ways-of-dealing-with-conflict-on-the-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">and park conflicts away<\/a> until morning if you can.<\/p>\n<p>Ideally, don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger, make a quick repair before supper ends.<\/p>\n<p>A few years ago, when I celebrated a milestone birthday, the best gift was folks choosing to visit me at our farm and make the long trek across Canada to show up.<\/p>\n<p>Showing up in your marriage is a daily event, not something that can be continually put off.<\/p>\n<p>Fertel feels that \u201cgiving creates love.\u201d What new things can you learn about your spouse this week that will make giving them what they need easier?<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-3013\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/StockSnap_328404QFC5-710x474.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"631\" height=\"421\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h3>\u201cGiving creates love.\u201d<\/h3>\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/happy-healthy-marriage-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">a marriage or a relationship<\/a>, there are many ways to bless your spouse with time and attention\u2014with talking, parenting, managing the household, special occasions, <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/firewall-divorce-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">and other ways<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>One woman created an Excel spreadsheet for all the activities the family engaged in for household management.<\/p>\n<p>She assigned her name and her husband wrote his name to the tasks, to get clear on how each spouse was contributing to the family\u2019s management.<\/p>\n<p><b>Remember: You can change what you can measure.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I think love is a choice, and when we truly love our mate, we want to give to them.<\/p>\n<p>I would also use the word \u201cserve\u201d, in the spirit of servant leadership.<\/p>\n<p>This language irks some readers because the idea of serving another is considered \u201cservitude,\u201d which is not the same thing in my mind.<\/p>\n<h3>When you speak about your marriage, do you use \u201cme\u201d or \u201cwe\u201d language?<\/h3>\n<p>As farm couples, how are we serving each other to create a deep sense of \u201cI\u2019ve got your back, I am here for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This requires getting involved with what is truly important to your mate, and navigating how to make them feel deeply loved and appreciated.<\/p>\n<p>What interests and activities are drawing you together, and what is distracting from making you stronger? In what ways can you work together to build a strong relationship?<\/p>\n<p>These are just some of the important questions farm couples should be asking themselves. Answering them will ultimately result in better marriage fitness with your partner.<\/p>\n<p>If I created a marriage retreat for farm couples, would you come?<\/p>\n<p>If you enjoyed this article and you\u2019d like to dive deeper, don\u2019t miss these posts:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-women\/love-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">My 9 Top Tips for Loving a Farmer<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/how-to-prevent-divorce-on-farms\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">How to Prevent Divorce on Farms<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-coaching\/managing-your-marriage-in-the-muck-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Managing Your Marriage in the Muck<\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This article was originally posted on October 17, 2017, and has been updated. Does it ever feel like your spouse pays more attention to crop production than they do to you? These cracks really start to show when farm couples don\u2019t build strong partnerships. I\u2019d like to challenge you to get your marriage\/partnership into better&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3018,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[834,835,25,183,363,592,441,76,836,743],"class_list":["post-3008","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-building-a-strong-relationship","tag-building-a-strong-team","tag-farm","tag-farm-couples","tag-farm-family-coaching","tag-farm-marriage","tag-farm-relationships","tag-farmers","tag-marriage-fitness","tag-marriage-on-the-farm"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Build a Strong Relationship with Marriage Fitness<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When running a farm takes up all of your time, your relationship can suffer. 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