{"id":11048,"date":"2025-05-22T00:00:09","date_gmt":"2025-05-22T04:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=11048"},"modified":"2025-07-23T06:59:03","modified_gmt":"2025-07-23T10:59:03","slug":"how-to-stop-putting-mom-in-the-middle-of-every-farm-family-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/05\/22\/how-to-stop-putting-mom-in-the-middle-of-every-farm-family-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Mother in the Middle"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; collapsed=&#8221;off&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|1px||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/CHBmweNsrcY?si=hKbktpvvFeZ7_jjF\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My four-year-old daughter walks into the bathroom without knocking, just as I am getting out of the shower. \u201cDaddy\u2019s being mean!\u201d she cries. She continues to explain what just happened between her and my husband, a one-sided story that has no context and is skewed by her exaggerated emotions. I hear my husband calling from the kitchen to defend himself against her accusation. At one point, the two of them are talking to me at the same time, trying to convince me to take a side.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I decided to take a coach approach by putting the creation of a solution back on them. Although I love helping my daughter, who takes every opportunity to show off her independence, I try not to get involved when she and my husband are working out an issue. Of course, aligning with my husband to provide clear guidelines and boundaries for our children as a team has been the key to surviving parenthood together. But when the two of them disagree about something small that doesn\u2019t need to involve me, I try to stay out of it. It is almost too easy to jump in and save them, to stop the arguing by giving them an idea of how to move forward. Yet I know that this will not further their bond as father and daughter.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How does Mom end up in the middle of every argument?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Too often, as a coach, I see farm families where Mom seems to be involved with every disagreement that arises. Whether attempting to be neutral as a mediator or making matters worse by giving family members the wrong information about each other, mothers often allow themselves to be in the middle of family members. This may be a long-standing pattern that starts when siblings are just kids, or be a new dynamic that is created when an in-law joins the family. It can be common for Mom to feel like a safe space to vent, troubleshoot issues, or just find out information about another family member. Some farm families that I have coached consider their mother to be the \u201cglue\u201d that holds things together, the person who ensures everyone is informed about family events or takes every child\u2019s wants into consideration when planning out the future of the farm. Yet, as folks discover in farm succession coaching, allowing <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">each person<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to have a voice, to say what they need, and to have the opportunity to address conflicts directly with other family members is a powerful process.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">No one <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">likes<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> conflict. No one likes to watch <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">others<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> in conflict, especially those they love. I think this is especially challenging for Mom. As a mother myself, my heart aches when my children are fighting. But the more I try to get in between them, the fewer chances they have to learn the skills of listening to the other person\u2019s needs or voicing their own.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a bit of a conflict nerd, I believe that conflict can help people become closer in relationships. By working through a disagreement, each person has the opportunity to learn about the other person and also feel more understood by them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>Here\u2019s how your family can help Mom when she\u2019s in the middle:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><b>Flatten Those Triangles<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &#8211; When two family members are not able to have effective communication, they often turn to someone else to hear them out. Many times, this is Mom. Once Mom hears both sides of the story, she may decide to \u201chelp\u201d the situation by giving each family member insight into the other person\u2019s wants or needs. And now you have a triangle, with Mom in one corner as the mediator and the other two parties talking more to her than they are to each other. This can only increase the chances of misunderstandings, since the messages are being filtered through Mom. Mom, when someone is coming to you to talk about another family member, you need to encourage them to go directly to that person with their concerns. Flatten that triangle by encouraging those you love to talk to each other! For a more in-depth look at how triangles breed conflict, check out <a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/11\/12\/conversation-starters-communicate-with-family\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #662d91;\"><strong>Episode 31<\/strong><\/span> of the Farm Family Harmony podcast<\/a>, where my colleague, Crisol, and Elaine discuss the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Karpman Drama Triangle<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>Set Boundaries for How Farm Talk Comes Up at Family Gatherings &#8211;<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> When the family is getting together for a meal or event, Mom often wants members to come without bringing all of the shop talk and field baggage with them. It can be exhausting to constantly think (or fight) about the farm, and doing so when the family is all together can have the biggest impact on Mom. Everyone is responsible for setting boundaries to help out Mom, which essentially looks like guidelines for how the farm is talked about when the family is together. Use humour to combat the creeping in of the shop talk by having a code word (or a swear jar?) to hold everyone accountable to these guidelines. Remember, we are people who have identities and interests outside of the farm &#8211; yes, even Dad.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>Generate Effective Communication in Meetings <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8211; Whether it is an operational meeting to clarify roles on the farm or an annual family meeting to keep non-farming children informed, effective communication through regular meetings can help keep Mom out of the middle. As a coach, I see farm families struggle to stick to a schedule for meetings, so give yourself grace when planning and set the dates based on the best availability for everyone. Sometimes, coming together for an hour to address ongoing or recent issues is better than trying to make a strict schedule. If Mom is the organizer, that\u2019s okay, but know that she is not the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">only<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> one responsible for keeping track of what needs to be discussed!<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Did you enjoy <em><strong>Mother in the Middle<\/strong><strong>?<\/strong><\/em> You might want to check these articles out too:<\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/05\/08\/common-pitfalls-in-farm-finances\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Common Pitfalls in Farm Finances<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/04\/24\/adapting-to-change-with-the-power-of-grief\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Adapting to Change with the Power of Grief<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/04\/10\/transition-plans-embracing-change-in-farm-leadership-legacy\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Get Great Transition Plans in Place Now, and Make My Heart Sing!<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;Section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;Row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/07\/Ultimate-Decision-Maker-1.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Ultimate Decision Maker (1)&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/ultimate-decision-maker\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How does Mom end up in the middle of every argument? This blog explores why that happens and how to flatten those family triangles.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":65,"featured_media":11050,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2239,2237,2146,2238,1109,1794,16,2240,2236,1943],"class_list":["post-11048","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-boundary-setting","tag-conflict-triangles","tag-family-conflict-resolution","tag-family-meeting-tips","tag-farm-family-communication","tag-farm-family-harmony","tag-farm-succession-planning","tag-kalynn-spain","tag-mom-in-the-middle","tag-parenting-on-the-farm"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Stop Putting Mom in the Middle of Every Farm Family Conflict<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Tired of being the family mediator? 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