{"id":10750,"date":"2025-02-27T00:00:48","date_gmt":"2025-02-27T05:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=10750"},"modified":"2025-02-27T13:28:21","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T18:28:21","slug":"farm-communication-improves-when-we-start-with-connection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/02\/27\/farm-communication-improves-when-we-start-with-connection\/","title":{"rendered":"Farm Communication Improves When We Start With Connection"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; collapsed=&#8221;off&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|1px||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/5gbcgI4DP28?si=XYMROarhWECf_xq3\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In so many of the families that we coach, we see communication breakdowns leading to the escalation of conflicts. In some cases, using strategies that provide family members with the tools they need to have better communication can help. Still, in many cases, a relationship between family members has broken down to the point where tools and strategies do not make any sense to use. In these situations, it is important to look at the relationship first and consider what factors impact the bond the two family members in conflict have had or are attempting to hold onto.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">According to my coaching teammate, Kalynn Spain, poor communication often begins with a poor connection between parent and child. Here are her insights on how communication often improves when we start with connection: <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cMy daughter, pantless and sitting in a pile of clean laundry, is yelling at me from the living room while I stand in the kitchen over a hot frying pan. She is making claims that her four-year-old brain does not fully understand, such as \u201cYou\u2019re the stupidest mom I&#8217;ve ever seen!\u201d after I asked her to get dressed before breakfast. With my hungry two-year-old son playing at my feet, waiting to eat, I call out to my daughter, hoping to motivate her. \u201cBreakfast is almost ready!\u201d She yells back with another comical threat, \u201cI\u2019m never going to eat again!\u201d Back and forth we go without any progress with the pants until I have a chance to turn off the stove and go over to her. I sit on the floor next to the pile. The pants she chose to wear for the day are lying beside her, tempting me to just put them on her with coercion. Instead of force, I choose connection. \u201cHey, sweetie, how\u2019s it going? You seem upset. Do you need a hug?\u201d Her furrowed brow softens, and finally, a quiet voice comes out. \u201cI need your help,\u201d she says.\u201c<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are many books and speakers telling us how to become better parents. My social media feed is flooded with strategies and tips on how to approach our children\u2019s challenging behaviours. The one author that I continue to turn to over and over is Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a psychologist who specializes in attachment theory and its application to raising children and youth. Pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the early 1900s, attachment theory is a lens through which to look at how secure we feel in relationships based on how our physical and emotional needs were met as children. By understanding how we were raised and what our attachment style is, we can better understand how to relate to and communicate with others.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In his TEDx Talk entitled \u201cRelationship Matters,\u201d Dr. Neufeld notes that, \u201cwe long for togetherness\u2026 we are creatures of attachment,\u201d adding that discipline strategies that push children away (think of time outs) only create more stress for them instinctually. Continuing about how parents struggle to maintain authority over their children, he notes, \u201cOur natural power derives from one source only: their relationship to us.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In his book, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers,<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0Dr. Neufeld explains that finding ways to create and maintain a connection with our children will help us guide them through life. \u201cConnection is the source of our parenting power and influence,\u201d he writes in his chapter on discipline. He coined the phrase \u201cconnection before direction\u201d to explain how using attachment can help a parent gain the child\u2019s attention and respect before he or she follows an instruction. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How powerful is that? Can the bond that nature created empower us to gain respect from our children? How does this play out when children become adults and we are working alongside each other on the farm? <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I think about how connection (or lack thereof) affects relationships, I recall working with a family in Ontario where the father and son were in high conflict with each other. Over the span of two years, their farming relationship was breaking down, and both parties were thinking about what alternatives to working together would look like. Communication was poor. The father would say to me, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t listen to me. If he would only listen then maybe we would get somewhere\u201d, and then in a separate meeting I would hear the son say, \u201cI\u2019m just so frustrated. The things I say are ignored. And when something goes wrong, it&#8217;s always my fault,\u201d adding that his dad would often blame and shame him if he asked questions or if something went wrong.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What the father was failing to understand was that the son needed to feel safe enough to ask questions and learn from him without being shamed. Doing so would restore their attachment and increase the son\u2019s motivation to respect the father\u2019s natural authority as the parent. Through several family meetings with their wives there for support, the father discovered that the son did not feel trusted by him. The son shared that he needed more grace and patience from the father in moments when he was trying to learn. The two couples set aside specific meeting times where the son and his wife could ask questions of his parents about the operation and give ideas that could be considered for the future.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We can learn a lot from how nature intends us to further our relationships &#8211; connection first. How we each connect with others, especially our parents, depends on many variables, including our cultural backgrounds, external stressors impacting our mental health, and our unique personal styles. It&#8217;s important to recognize that each person may need something different to feel safe and secure in his or her attachment. My hope for farm families is that they can recognize that communication can only improve when we start with connection.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Kalynn Spain coaches from Arborg Manitoba. Elaine Froese and her team of coaches are found <\/span><strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">HERE<\/a><\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Listen to the <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/farm-family-harmony-podcast\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Farm Family Harmony podcast<\/a><\/strong> for more tools to help your farm family find harmony through understanding. <\/span><\/p>\n<p>Did you enjoy <em><strong>Farm Communication Improves When We Start With Connection?<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0You might want to check these articles out too:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/02\/13\/making-marriage-work-on-your-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Making Marriage Work on Your Farm<\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/01\/30\/appreciate-inquiry\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Appreciative Inquiry<\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/01\/16\/practical-strategies-to-stay-financially-organized-on-your-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Practical Strategies to Stay Financially Organized on Your Farm<\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;Section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;Row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Because-I-Love-You-List-4.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Because I Love You List (4)&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/because-i-love-you-list\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Feeling unheard or facing defensiveness in farm family talks? Discover how prioritizing connection over correction leads to real change.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10752,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[297,2103,1124,1421,4,2104,1673,1813,1540,2106,1666,2024,113,586,127,377,323,441,329,762,621,79,1934,2108,1672,2107,2105,2109,1523,1060,1751],"class_list":["post-10750","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-agriculture","tag-attachment-theory","tag-coaching","tag-collaboration","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-connection-before-direction","tag-effective-communication","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-empathy","tag-family-bonding","tag-family-dynamics","tag-family-farm-success","tag-farm-business","tag-farm-communication","tag-farm-family","tag-farm-leadership","tag-farm-life","tag-farm-relationships","tag-farm-succession","tag-farm-transition","tag-generational-farming","tag-leadership","tag-listening-skills","tag-parenting","tag-problem-solving","tag-resilience","tag-rural-family","tag-rural-life","tag-teamwork","tag-trust","tag-trust-building"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Farm Communication Improves When We Start With Connection - Elaine Froese | Canada\u2019s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Struggling with farm communication? 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