{"id":10658,"date":"2025-02-13T00:00:48","date_gmt":"2025-02-13T05:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/?p=10658"},"modified":"2025-03-13T10:31:25","modified_gmt":"2025-03-13T14:31:25","slug":"making-marriage-work-on-your-farm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/02\/13\/making-marriage-work-on-your-farm\/","title":{"rendered":"Making Marriage Work on Your Farm"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; collapsed=&#8221;off&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;||1px|1px||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/7hDejKA_8A4?si=TVyzp100ng_L0XyN\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">February is heart month and a good time to work on the state of your union\u2026marriage, spousal relationships, or couple care. John Gottman, a highly respected American psychologist, authored <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">7 Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I\u2019ve added a farm perspective to his tips.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Gottman&#8217;s 7 Principles<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">1) <\/span><b>Sharing love maps<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. \u201c<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, and your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams,\u201c says Gottman.\u00a0 As you talk about aging in place on your farm, are you sharing your inner world with your spouse? What does a good day on the farm look like to you as you age and your health shifts? I like to ask my farmer husband what he is looking forward to in the next year. Three or four times a week I will check in and ask if he is okay, and how he is feeling.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">2) <\/span><b>Nurturing fondness and admiration<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of <em>T<\/em><\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">he 5<\/span><\/i> <i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Love Languages<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I think this book should be required reading for all couples. Grab it on Audible. My love language is words of affirmation and meaningful touch. My husband doesn\u2019t want a card, he wants action, acts of service like hot meals, or cleaning his pickup truck. This caused some tension for readers when I wrote an earlier blog <em>How to Love Your Farmer<\/em>. Farmers are male and female. We can have stronger marriages and relationships when we choose to care for each other. Unfortunately, some couples feel like one side of the couple is doing most of the heavy lifting. Talk about this and resolve to change your attitudes and actions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">3) <\/span><b>Turning toward each other, instead of away<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Recently on a beach holiday, I used a harsh tone of voice for my displeasure in not being able to find which direction my husband had gone. He apologized for assuming I knew where he was, and then he walked away from me talking. This demonstrated his need for me to face him closely, and turn toward him when we were communicating. Old habits may not be helpful to better communication. Turn toward each other, make eye contact, and patiently listen attentively without formulating your answer too quickly. Are you turned toward your spouse? Can you let the light in your eyes communicate love and appreciation?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">4) <\/span><b>Letting your partner influence you<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. How open are you to feedback from your spouse?\u00a0 Lesley Kelly and her husband Matt use a great tool of numbering how they are feeling from a scale of 1 to 10. Ten is great and a 2 means not good. This helps them communicate clearly about the next steps to support and influence each other\u2019s mental wellness. Read more at <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.highheelsandcanolafields.com\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">www.highheelsandcanolafields.com<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. This numbering system is also outlined in Michael Pantalon\u2019s book, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Instant Influence,<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> when you need to peg down exactly the distance between your perspective and someone else\u2019s. I had the honour of hearing Lesley speak in November at the Strongher Together Conference in Fort Benton, Montana. Lesley has many practical tools for navigating farm life and the mantra her dad gave her is, \u201cYou are stronger than you think.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">5) <\/span><b>Solving your solvable problems<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Some problems or challenges are polarities which are things that will never be totally solved but need to be managed.\u00a0 The dance between work on the farm and the need for family time or play will never be totally solved, but it needs to be addressed with creative solutions that give families time to grow, and attention to farm work. Creating solutions is a positive conflict behaviour. Instead of ranting on social media about how terrible your life is on the farm with workaholics, what solutions are you both willing to create? How can you employ a set of \u201cfresh eyes\u201d to see options for a different way of being and doing things? Is it time to hire a coach or facilitator to help you employ new actions?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">6) <\/span><b>Overcoming gridlock<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Gottman has also used the term \u201cmake a quick repair.\u201d I like this approach. When there is conflict are you walking away with avoidance, or are you leaning in to offer your perspective, create solutions, and express your emotions in a respectful way to resolve the gridlock? Our team can provide an online assessment for $55 per person with the conflict dynamic profile to help you be more self-aware of your positive and destructive conflict behaviours. It also helps you understand what your hot buttons are. My hot buttons are folks who are aloof and will not talk with me, and those people who don\u2019t show up on time or meet deadlines, they are unreliable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">7) <\/span><b>Creating shared meaning together<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Gottman suggests rituals of connection (like how we start and end our day), roles, life goals, and values. When our goals and values are aligned as a couple, we are like a well-matched team of workhorses pulling in the same direction. I am curious, when was the last time you sat down as a couple to talk about what currently gives your life purpose and meaning? Seeing the long game ahead with joyful anticipation is a healing story, but dread for the future is stressful. Proverbs <span>[13:12]<\/span> says, \u201cHope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life&#8221; (NIV). Do you have good things to anticipate this year as a couple? Connection with family, friends, neighbours? Celebrations? Community involvement? Are there things to navigate differently as your roles on the farm are changing? Are your money scripts and financial roles aligned?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you are ready to process 2 other great books to enhance your marriage, pick up <em>Love and Respect,<\/em> by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and <em>Non-Violent Communication,<\/em> by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Farm marriages navigate the seasonal changes of a farming year, and they also need to be adaptable to the changing needs and role expectations of each spouse. Ask our coaching team to help you find harmony through understanding with coaching facilitation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Elaine Froese and her team of coaches desire better communication and conflict resolution for the culture of agriculture. Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\/contact\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">here<\/a><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0to book a free discovery call today! Divorce on the farm doesn\u2019t have to happen!<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Did you enjoy <em><strong>Making Marriage Work on Your Farm<\/strong><strong>?<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0You might want to check these articles out too:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/01\/30\/appreciate-inquiry\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Appreciative Inquiry<\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2025\/01\/16\/practical-strategies-to-stay-financially-organized-on-your-farm\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Practical Strategies to Stay Financially Organized on Your Farm<\/a><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2024\/12\/19\/simple-strategies-to-navigate-distress-depression-and-disconnection\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression, and Disconnection<\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; admin_label=&#8221;Section&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row admin_label=&#8221;Row&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.24.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.17.6&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Because-I-Love-You-List-4.jpg&#8221; title_text=&#8221;Because I Love You List (4)&#8221; url=&#8221;https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/because-i-love-you-list\/&#8221; url_new_window=&#8221;on&#8221; admin_label=&#8221;Image&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.27.0&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>February is heart month and a good time to work on the state of your union\u2026marriage, spousal relationships, or couple care. John Gottman, a highly respected American psychologist, authored 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. I\u2019ve added a farm perspective to his tips.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10664,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<iframe title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/o4K6bItAbCY\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>\r\n\r\nHarvest is in full swing on our farm, and I am not there\u2026for a few days. Where is it written you cannot leave the farm during harvest? (Almost on every page of the unpublished book \u201cThe Culture of Agriculture.\u201d)\r\n\r\nIf you are one of the 2800 folks who have stumbled upon \u201cFinding Fairness in Farm Transition\u201d on my YouTube channel at Farm Family Coach, you already know I am on a mission to change mindsets in agriculture. Fairness is helping everyone in the family be successful.\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Enter Scott Armstrong and his new workbook: <i>Mind Switch Retirement Planner<\/i>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6952 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/10\/Untitled-design-1024x512.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" \/>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Armstrong is a speaker friend who shared his insights at a national financial planner September convention in Niagara Falls, the place I also journeyed to at the start of our September harvest. He uses the word \u201cretirement\u201d, for ag folks I prefer to use the term reinvention:<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Here are some things to consider as you age on your farm or ranch:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n<ol class=\"ol1\">\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>What are the current roles you want to continue?<\/b> Which ones would you like to let go of? My farmer is coughing more after cleaning bins, and I am encouraging him to quit that task at age 65, which is now.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Are you still passionate about farming?<\/b> Or just parts of it? Simon Sinek says, \u201cfulfillment comes when we live our lives on purpose\u201d. What is it you are doing on your farm where you lose all track of time? This summer I think my farmer lost track of mowing fields and ditches and waiting for the grain to ripen. I love to play with my grandkids and enjoy their giggles, stories, and curiosity. Play me with them is a sweet spot and I am intentional in making time for them. I am still passionate about helping farm families make intentional choices for a better quality of life and harmony through understanding.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Do your passion and purpose align with your spouse\u2019s vision<\/b>? This is where it gets messy. You want to leave the farm life roles and responsibilities, but your partner does not. Not for a long time! Where is it written you cannot pursue some things in different time zones or days apart from your spouse?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Independence is one of my core values, yet my husband respects what I need to fill my well, and I am happy when I return to the farm from my off-farm contracts and contacts. Love and respect for the other can go both ways.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Adventure is big<\/b> on Scott Armstrong\u2019s workbook list. Farmers spend a lot of money on crop protection and other inputs. Many use the points from farm credit cards to fund short-term winter adventures. One of my clients is on a motorbike in the Maritimes as I write this. (Dairy farmer). Another farmer spends time in Mexico helping the poor build houses in the winter, and he wants to do more of this. Our adventures to visit friends in New Zealand, or travel with friends to Hawaii have been great times of renewal. Perhaps there is an ag tour you have been putting off. The GREAT PAUSE showed us how isolation and lack of adventure can really cramp our style, but we now have options. The most recent adventure for folks in our circle has been electric bikes. They are great for checking fields, riding down the Turtle Mountains to Boissevain, and going for a quick spin before supper. What is the adventure you have been putting off?<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Vitality is an energy we all want more of.<\/b> Armstrong is convinced we are only using 50% of our body\u2019s capacity. Our wonderful physician Dr. Nell shook his finger at us 5 years ago saying \u201cLook you two it\u2019s time you started having some fun. At 75 it all starts to fall apart!\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>This year I\u2019ve shed some weight via the app \u201cNOOM\u201d and am working on a better morning fitness routine. My friend, a cattle producer at age 68 does lots of stretching and 40 minutes on her elliptical every morning. She makes time for lots of hiking adventures and ensures her body is in great form. Armstrong has a great list of sleep hacks to have more renewal time.\r\nYour body is not a machine. Save money now by paying better attention to your health and making small habit changes to be healthier. Be kind to your brain and get off your devices long before bed. This will not kill you, and your marriage may be better off for the pillow talk without blue lights flashing from your cell phone or iPad, or TV.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Finances:<\/b> The number one encouragement I have is to find a good financial planner who can guide you with your income streams and personal wealth as your farm assets keep growing. CAFA which is the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors has great advisors in their directory who understand the culture of agriculture and the challenges of debt servicing and the need for personal wealth options. See <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cafanet.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.cafanet.ca<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>Living Legacy:<\/strong> What do you want people to say about you BEFORE you die?\r\nI hope you have a wonderful 80th birthday party where folks can tell you in their own words and stories about how your life really was a blessing to them. Do you want to be able to set your grandkids up for financial success? Can you help fund their RESP for trades or university training? Could you help fund the local arts and culture or sports foundation of your small town? Would you be able to secretly give a \u201cleg up\u201d to a struggling single parent? Having the time to walk alongside newcomers to your community and financial support can be a huge blessing to making your town a great place to age gracefully. We live close to one of Manitoba\u2019s most beautiful small towns. The new bakeshop owner is now making sourdough bread with wheat head designs, plus great peanut butter marshmallow slices. This news may not excite you, but it is becoming a destination attraction. Sometimes it is the \u2018little things in life\u201d that make a day sweeter.<\/li>\r\n \t<li class=\"li1\"><b>Social times<\/b>. Armstrong surprised me with his challenge to question who your friends are and why. Post-Covid relationships look different, and you may be navigating the loss of long-time or childhood friends. Intentionally make a list of the folks who align with your purpose and plans for growth. I\u2019ll still a big fan of calling my far-away friends to keep relationships growing, yet I also know having tea in person is refreshing. I suspect the guys reading this are longing for more friendships beyond the farm gate. What are you DOING about it?<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Find out more about Scott Armstrong\u2019s fun, practical workbook at <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.mindswitch.ca\"><span class=\"s1\">www.mindswitch.ca<\/span><\/a><\/span>, and reach out to the Mind Switch community on <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/profile.php?id=100063687142266\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a>.<\/span> Tell him you are working on changing the mindsets in agriculture, one family at a time.<\/p>\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/insights\/free-stuff\/roles-storyboard\/\"><strong><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">Grab your copy of the Roles Storyboard<\/span><\/strong><\/a> to <span class=\"RFZYhc\">help you understand your 6 key roles - personal, couple, family, work (farm and off farm), friends, community.<\/span>\r\n\r\n***\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Elaine Froese is happy to be writing at 30,000 feet again. Invite her to speak at your next ag event. She has 30-plus years of practical insights for farmers to have the life they\u2019ve always wanted. One day at a time.\u00a0Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.elainefroese.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\">here <\/span><\/a>or Instagram <span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@farmfamilycoach<\/a><\/span> and hit the Linktree bio. Send cards to Box 957, Boissevain MB R0K 0E0.<\/p>\r\n<strong>Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Facebook<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Instagram<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/farmfamilycoach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">LinkedIn<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/elainefroese\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/farmfamilycoach\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">YouTube<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@farmfamilycoach\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">TikTok<\/a><\/span>\r\n\r\nDid you enjoy<em><strong> How to re-invent your farm life as you age with Mind-Switch? <\/strong><\/em>You might want to check these articles out too:\r\n\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/08\/25\/your-farms-emotional-tank-needs-checking\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Your Farm\u2019s Emotional Tank Needs Checking<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/07\/14\/you-are-not-alone-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">You are not alone<\/a><\/span>\r\n<span style=\"color: #44b6ac;\"><a style=\"color: #44b6ac;\" href=\"https:\/\/elainefroese.com\/2022\/06\/30\/how-to-love-a-farmer-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Love a Farmer<\/a><\/span>","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2074,4,2081,183,127,323,592,441,2082,2072,2075,2077,2080,2073,2076,2078,2079],"class_list":["post-10658","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-communication-in-marriage","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-couple-care","tag-farm-couples","tag-farm-family","tag-farm-life","tag-farm-marriage","tag-farm-relationships","tag-farming-and-marriage","tag-john-gottman","tag-love-languages","tag-marriage-coaching","tag-marriage-improvement","tag-marriage-tips","tag-relationship-advice","tag-rural-marriage","tag-spousal-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.9 - 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