Every farm family has a story, and I have just had the joy of spending 2 days with 380 Nebraska Women in Agriculture at their 40th conference. The session was led by Katie Samples Dean a straightforward farm-owner lawyer who suggested that many plans for succession/transition are foiled or are the wrong plan because Grandma did or does not understand the consequences of her decision-making.

While I waited to board my plane in Kearney, the story appeared again with a young farmer reaching out for answers as his mom was not aware of the current reality of the farm’s business structure. She listens to non-farm siblings for their input and is unwilling to even consider that her dead husband’s wishes, which she wants to honour, may not be the best direction for the farm or the family in 2025.

Here are some steps to consider:

1. Educate your mom and yourself as the successor with farm financial literacy. You need to understand your best options for the structure of the business and navigating expectations. Mom may want the land to be divided among all children, even the non-farm heirs, but what happens now if there are addiction issues, divorce, or other new circumstances that destabilize the family? When Dad passed, the farm was at a different stage. You need to observe the new needs of the family and the business.
2. Be clear with mom or grandma how much income she needs to live at the level she needs. It would be wise to have a certified fee-for-service financial planner to assess the level of financial security Mom has. Does she have enough income to live well for the next 2 decades? Does she have long-term care plans?  Many women have life estates to stay in their homestead homes, yet the farming grandson who was promised the home cannot move because Grandma forgot that promise, and her non-farm child is telling her to stay put! Grandma, you have friends in town, you will be closer to medical care, and you can still come out to the farm often to pick raspberries and watch the cows. What is best for the whole farming family?
3. Avoid paying tax. (Pushing the taxes forward with the capital gains on the land and other accounting/tax issues) Lawyer Katie used an example of great-grandparents, grandparents, and parents rolling land to the next generation, but they did not know or were not able to predict the future of very high land values, and the tax burden on the next generation who had other plans for the high-value land. Katie’s comment was to do lots of scenario planning so you can truly understand the consequences of your decisions. This is where being stubborn and not paying some of the tax as you go may hurt the succeeding generations.
4. Allowing conflict triangles. It is not uncommon for folks to share that the non-farm heirs have been spending a lot of time at grandma’s house and creating discord. In conflict resolution, we encourage folks to go directly to the source of the tension and have courageous, respectful conversations with the parties involved to create solutions. Grandma is hurting the family when she takes sides, when she is not honest about the tension points, or avoids conflict resolution talks altogether.
   
5. The deal is done, sister. The sisters got payment for land 6 years ago and were happy then but are not happy now as land values have risen. The mindset of “we deserve more now” is the mindset of greed and entitlement, which is fragmenting farm families.  Grandma is terrified of family conflict, so she avoids the hard discussions. She also needs to be clear that the farmland is to be kept intact, and the siblings who are non-farm heirs may have access to land but there will be long-term rental agreements in place with the farm heirs holding the right of first refusal.
6. Buying out siblings who are doing just fine financially. This is a scenario that fragments families even after they are bought out. We bought out 3 quarters of land when my husband’s sisters were in their thirties. This would be a real hardship if we had to do this now when the land value has gone from $67K to $450K. The real issue here for Grandma is she wants all of her children to get some form of assets or cash, but she has little cash or liquidity because she comes from the generation that survived high interest rates in the 80s but also put more wealth back into the farm business and did not save or use personal wealth strategies to give her liquidity on the personal side.  The lesson here is don’t avoid saving in TFSAs or other investments for your golden years. Look at other financial plans to help you have more options to share and cascade wealth to your family. Again, seek the expert scenario insights of a financial planner.
7. Hire a farm management specialist. This person can help all parties understand the cash flow reality of the farm and look for opportunities to grow income. These folks are also good a current reality checks of what the farm can manage to pay out the partners wanting to leave the business or how to buy out grandma’s shares.
8. Don’t procrastinate. Dementia for grandma may be knocking on her door. I met women in Nebraska whose aging folks do not have a plan in place, what Katie the lawyer calls “no Plan,” and they both have signs of dementia! Planning is a very important activity but heart attacks, cancer, accidents, and other sad stories in the neighborhood just don’t seem to motivate sane folks to focus and execute a transition plan.
9. Choose to act. You can stew and get mad at Grandma for taking sides, or you can get professional facilitation to create a better understanding of the financial realities of living costs for Grandma, the farm business team, and the non-farm heirs to navigate expectations, create solutions, and celebrate the next birthday party together.
   

What is your next step towards harmony through understanding going to be?

Elaine Froese and her team are here to help you embrace positive conflict behaviour and figure out how to explore the needs and wants of your farm family. Reach out here for your free discovery call today. Grandma is not getting younger.

Did you enjoy Grandma, Stop Hurting Your Family’s Transition? You might want to check these articles out too:

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Making Marriage Work on Your Farm

February is heart month and a good time to work on the state of your union…marriage, spousal relationships, or couple care. John Gottman, a highly respected American psychologist, authored 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. I’ve added a farm perspective to his tips.

Gottman’s 7 Principles

1) Sharing love maps. “When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, and your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams,“ says Gottman.  As you talk about aging in place on your farm, are you sharing your inner world with your spouse? What does a good day on the farm look like to you as you age and your health shifts? I like to ask my farmer husband what he is looking forward to in the next year. Three or four times a week I will check in and ask if he is okay, and how he is feeling.

2) Nurturing fondness and admiration. Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of The 5 Love Languages. I think this book should be required reading for all couples. Grab it on Audible. My love language is words of affirmation and meaningful touch. My husband doesn’t want a card, he wants action, acts of service like hot meals, or cleaning his pickup truck. This caused some tension for readers when I wrote an earlier blog How to Love Your Farmer. Farmers are male and female. We can have stronger marriages and relationships when we choose to care for each other. Unfortunately, some couples feel like one side of the couple is doing most of the heavy lifting. Talk about this and resolve to change your attitudes and actions.

3) Turning toward each other, instead of away. Recently on a beach holiday, I used a harsh tone of voice for my displeasure in not being able to find which direction my husband had gone. He apologized for assuming I knew where he was, and then he walked away from me talking. This demonstrated his need for me to face him closely, and turn toward him when we were communicating. Old habits may not be helpful to better communication. Turn toward each other, make eye contact, and patiently listen attentively without formulating your answer too quickly. Are you turned toward your spouse? Can you let the light in your eyes communicate love and appreciation?

4) Letting your partner influence you. How open are you to feedback from your spouse?  Lesley Kelly and her husband Matt use a great tool of numbering how they are feeling from a scale of 1 to 10. Ten is great and a 2 means not good. This helps them communicate clearly about the next steps to support and influence each other’s mental wellness. Read more at www.highheelsandcanolafields.com. This numbering system is also outlined in Michael Pantalon’s book, Instant Influence, when you need to peg down exactly the distance between your perspective and someone else’s. I had the honour of hearing Lesley speak in November at the Strongher Together Conference in Fort Benton, Montana. Lesley has many practical tools for navigating farm life and the mantra her dad gave her is, “You are stronger than you think.”

5) Solving your solvable problems. Some problems or challenges are polarities which are things that will never be totally solved but need to be managed.  The dance between work on the farm and the need for family time or play will never be totally solved, but it needs to be addressed with creative solutions that give families time to grow, and attention to farm work. Creating solutions is a positive conflict behaviour. Instead of ranting on social media about how terrible your life is on the farm with workaholics, what solutions are you both willing to create? How can you employ a set of “fresh eyes” to see options for a different way of being and doing things? Is it time to hire a coach or facilitator to help you employ new actions?

6) Overcoming gridlock. Gottman has also used the term “make a quick repair.” I like this approach. When there is conflict are you walking away with avoidance, or are you leaning in to offer your perspective, create solutions, and express your emotions in a respectful way to resolve the gridlock? Our team can provide an online assessment for $55 per person with the conflict dynamic profile to help you be more self-aware of your positive and destructive conflict behaviours. It also helps you understand what your hot buttons are. My hot buttons are folks who are aloof and will not talk with me, and those people who don’t show up on time or meet deadlines, they are unreliable.

7) Creating shared meaning together. Gottman suggests rituals of connection (like how we start and end our day), roles, life goals, and values. When our goals and values are aligned as a couple, we are like a well-matched team of workhorses pulling in the same direction. I am curious, when was the last time you sat down as a couple to talk about what currently gives your life purpose and meaning? Seeing the long game ahead with joyful anticipation is a healing story, but dread for the future is stressful. Proverbs [13:12] says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (NIV). Do you have good things to anticipate this year as a couple? Connection with family, friends, neighbours? Celebrations? Community involvement? Are there things to navigate differently as your roles on the farm are changing? Are your money scripts and financial roles aligned?

If you are ready to process 2 other great books to enhance your marriage, pick up Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and Non-Violent Communication, by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. 

Farm marriages navigate the seasonal changes of a farming year, and they also need to be adaptable to the changing needs and role expectations of each spouse. Ask our coaching team to help you find harmony through understanding with coaching facilitation.

Elaine Froese and her team of coaches desire better communication and conflict resolution for the culture of agriculture. Visit here to book a free discovery call today! Divorce on the farm doesn’t have to happen!

Did you enjoy Making Marriage Work on Your Farm? You might want to check these articles out too:

Appreciative Inquiry
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Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression, and Disconnection

Recently in one of our amazing membership coaching calls a farmer sighed loudly about his transition frustration and said, “it is what it is.” This sparked a lively conversation about how we handle our mental well-being which is often bathed in waves of frustration as we try to navigate the needs and wants of founders and the next generation of managers.

There’s a great article by Well and Good at by Kells McPhillips calling out these conversation stoppers as “Thought terminating Cliches.” Here’s her list:

1. “It is what it is.”
2. “So it goes.”
3. “It could be worse.”
4. “Time heals all.”
5. “Someone out there has it worse than you.”
6. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
7. “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
8. “This too shall pass.”
9. “It’s all about balance.”
10. 10.“Try to look on the bright side.”
11. “The sun will come out tomorrow.”
12. 12.“The only way out is through.”

Words really matter. Our thoughts become words and words spur on action or the lack of action. What we believe to be true is part of how we craft the culture of our farms. The first cliché, “It is what it is”, sounds so defeatist to me. As coaches we embrace the power of choice. You get to choose your response to the circumstances of your family and farm situation. Are you going to be pro-active and make some decisions for a better outcome? Or are you just going to throw the shovel hard on the ground and believe “nothing is ever going to change around here!” 

“It could be worse” aligns with the misery you’ve witnessed of neighbours or community farmers whose farms have disappeared due to unreasonable estate land transfers, divorce, or siblings in litigation. These sad stories of transition gone poorly are not helpful, nor are they motivating folks to act and improve the communication and conflict resolution in their own farm business. Failure of others is not a strong motivator for you to change. You need to draw on internal factors of motivation to do hard things. 

You can do hard things. You also don’t have to do them alone !

“The only way out is through”. I just said you can do hard things, but who agrees that transition facilitated communication doesn’t necessarily need to be hard? We’ve bought into the mindset that conversations cause explosions, so the best thing to do is just avoid the hard conversations about income, compensation, fairness, and letting go of management. I disagree.

Conflict resolution can be a process of discovery lifting a huge weight of tension. Facilitated conversations where folks are prepared before the meeting to express what they truly want can be transformational. If you’ve put your energy into your farm business for the past 40 years, you might want to be kind to yourself and take time to process the shift of labour, management and ownership over the next several years.

The list of 12 cliches above can damage mental health. If you are struggling with your mental health right now as you read this I encourage you to reach out to your doctor for a check-up, and find the local mental health worker in your area. If you are walking alongside a very depressed sad farmer, I encourage you to sign up for the Mental Health First Aide course. 

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” was the title of Dr Nikki Gerrard’s research(2000) on stress in farm families. She found 3 keys to coping better were :

1.Communication

2.Celebration.

3.Connection to community.

When you say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” you are not offering support or solutions to those struggling with mental health. Or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is another conversation killer phrase. 

How can you be more vigilant about what comes out of your mouth? Think before you speak.

1.Listen to understand more, not to formulate your next response. Two ears, one mouth.

2.Be curious. Come to the conversation with kindness and genuine curiosity about what is truly going on for the other person. 

3. Ask better questions without a spirt of judgement. What do you need in this moment? What is frustrating you the most? How do you want me to walk alongside you?

4. Is now a good time to talk further, or do you need some time to process what we just discussed?

5.By when to you want to come back to the table to create some solutions and timelines for action?

6. Be careful not to confuse estate planning with transition planning. “It’s in my will, you’ll get it all when I die!” This is classic procrastination of not dealing with the need for transfer of farm assets in the transition process while the next generation is looking for ways to gain equity and the founders are fearful of failure and losing wealth. 

7. Ask for help.   Seek out ag-informed advisors with strong facilitation skills so the whole family can learn helpful language for conflict resolution with positive behaviours to create solutions not angst. 

Supportive words to open more communication:

1. Tell me more.
2. That’s interesting, what is the story behind that thought?
3. I’m curious about what you just said, how does that feel for you?
4. What ways would you like to be encouraged? Time with family, words of affirmation, or action on the farm?
5. Here’s what I am observing…
6. What do you need in this moment?
7. What’s the next step you would like to take?

Many times folks just don’t know what to say to comfort others, or recognize the pain or frustration they are seeing . Do More Ag Foundation has a great new conversation starter game. My Do More Ag conversation starter box has arrived, and it is helpful to be reminded how our questions and thoughts can create great conversations.

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Elaine Froese and her team of coaches are waiting to help you discover you next steps towards the life you’ve always wanted on your farm as you transition. Visit her website to contact her. Book Elaine to speak in 2025  now !

Did you enjoy Watch How your Language Kills Transition Conversations and Affects your Mental Health ? You might want to check these articles out too:

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Using Common Ground to Write Agreements You can Understand
Who is Responsible for What on Your Farm?

I hope you are reading this on your phone while waiting in the field, which means you are in the field and plant 2024 conditions are perfect to go. The type of common ground I am referring to is not your soil, it’s the things everyone on your farm team is committed to working toward. As mediators in conflict resolution, we are trained to seek the items that everyone in the room feels is important, their common interests.

Working with farm family dynamics is a bit of an adventure when you are seeking to uncover what each person on the farm team really wants for their personal life, the farm business, and their life beyond the farm gate.

Let’s play with some points of common interest which would be helpful to better behaviour and culture on your farm.

1. Family harmony. Most folks asking for coaching have a strong desire for everyone in the family to get along. What does that mean in practice? People are respectful, they don’t make assumptions and there is a regular formalized format for family business discussions to focus and execute all the roles involved.  The written agreement helpful here would be a “family code of conduct” .  In this family we show up on time, we respect each other, we are honest, and we have high emotional intelligence where we express our emotions in healthy ways to resolve conflict. 

• Be straight up with people
• Take time to listen to people
• Stick to reality
• Seek mutual resolution to conflicts
• Seek honesty
• Do what we/you say we/you will do
• Do not be late
• Learn from mistakes
• Anticipate the future
• Have fun; have a mix of rest and recreation
• Embrace technology 
• Surround yourself and business with competent people
• Family won’t stop loving each other because of the business

1. Profitability and excellent compensation for our work.  Does your farm serve the family or does the family serve the farm business? The goal is to have a profitable farm, but if your interest is just to have a nice lifestyle, ride your horses, and sort a few cows, then you are likely not in the same lane as the next generation who wants to make a decent living with a return on their labour and have the best ability to service debt for growth. If these terms are not familiar to your way of doing farm business, you are likely not ready to “professionalize” the farm as Dick Wittman says. One helpful agreement would be an operating agreement as to how much income or revenue is directed to the founders, and what percentage is going to the successor(s). For instance, when we first started farming with my husband’s parents we had a 40% income stream from the farm revenue and the parents got 60%, then it changed to 50/50 until the time of ownership transfer when it became 100% ours and 0 % revenue for the parents.
2. Creating a clear timeline for the shift of ownership. Many young farmers are struggling with the “pain of not-knowing”. Their keen interest is to start buying some equity that they can leverage to grow more. Parents are afraid of losing wealth and may have a desire to pass things along in their estate. This lack of financial transparency and unwillingness to talk about the fear of failure of the next generation managing is keeping many farms stuck.  The phrase “by when?” would you be willing to sell me some of the equipment or livestock is a starting point. Many farmers would love to buy more land which is common ground (pardon the pun) for many, yet it is becoming very hard to do this with high land values. Where are young farmers going to get help to buy assets? Buy sell agreements are ways to figure out timelines for the transfer of assets. They are a legal contract which facilities the purchase or sale of shares and it operates before a will. Buy/sell agreements clarify everyone’s intention (and interests) in the event of a business-altering event.
3. Inter-spousal agreements are now recommended by lawyers to be drawn up by the successors, and the founding couples. Some may term these agreements as pre-nuptials, marriage contracts, or co-habitation agreements. Seek good independence advice. The common interest here is for family harmony, and a marriage/partnership that can navigate the storms of life and not bring down the farm if the couple separates. Shifting your mindset from “I would never do that” to “sounds like a good risk management tool” could be the difference for your business being able to survive marriage breakdown. Keep in mind older farm couples get divorced after 32 years of marriage, this is not just an exercise for newlyweds !
4. “Handshakes are still good around here Elaine !” says the aging farmer with two successors wanting to access more rented land. I wish we would trust the handshake to be our bond, but the reality of the shifting culture of agriculture begs folks to secure tenancy with well written land lease agreements. You may have a great time dealing with your bachelor neighbour until his distant relatives show up after his death demanding the top bidder to access the land you have rented for decades. If you need help for a good lease agreement, ask your lender for a template to get started. Use your lawyer to be sure you have your interests protected, such as the right of first refusal.
5. Health care directives are agreements on how you want to be cared for in the event of needing hospital care. I admit this one is still on my to-do list, but my Power of Attorney is up to date. Speak to your lawyer about an enduring Power of Attorney, and be sure you choose a person who has a great track record of mental wellness. Many couples choose each other, but for farm families I would suggest an alternate as well. Our son was called upon as POA when my husband was recovering with me by his side for 10 days in trauma care after a truck accident. 

Farmers tend to deal with fixing what is in front of them, and not focused on the “what if” scenarios of life on the farm. I wonder if there is a reward or treat you can whip up to motivate all your farm team to get written agreements in order sooner than later? Please use a great ag-informed lawyer for your agreements.

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Elaine Froese and her team of coaches facilitate action!  Visit her website to book a free discovery call. We can talk to you on your tractor !

Did you enjoy Using Common Ground to Write Agreements You can Understand? You might want to check these articles out too:

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How to Have the Conversation About Prenups?
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“So, you want to protect your farm in case of a divorce, understandably so! Can you do that with a prenup? Yes! If it’s valid and enforceable, and you include the right provisions, your farm can stay in your possession, even in the worst-case scenario of a divorce. Prenups can also supplement your estate planning documents and help to protect your farm in the event of death. With a well-crafted prenup, you can cultivate peace of mind and ensure that your farm continues to grow no matter the circumstances.”

I am not a lawyer, you need to seek independent legal advice to draw up co-habitation agreements, marriage contracts, prenups or inter-spousal agreements. As you can already tell, these agreements clarify who owns what when 2 folks join their lives and their farms together. In Australia they call folks who are living together, but not married “almost married.” Many farm couples may not realize that after they have lived common-law for a few years, they are “married” in the eyes of the law. Many farm parents are nervous about what will happen IF the next generation couple splits.

My goal here is to help you consider ways to approach the conversation about prenups, marriage contracts or inter-spousal agreements to protect your family’s expectations and the farm assets.  

An elderly farmer was quite panicked when he reached out to ask me to orchestrate a conversation with his successor son and daughter-in law. The farm is worth millions, and the father was uneasy about the strength of the marriage which had already born some children.  Coaches can help you ask hard questions and give you language to come from curiosity. It took about 4 minutes to determine that both the successor and his spouse were happy to seek independent legal advice to draft and sign marriage contracts. It was intended for the protection and good of all.  Crisis averted.

I had another case where the parents who were trying to groom their successor went themselves to the lawyer to get a marriage contract for their union and model this for their successor and his spouse. The prenup agreement was a condition of the transfer of shares in the shareholder’s agreement.

Are you willing to create an inter-spousal agreement/marriage contract as a risk management strategy for your farm?

What do you need to do to get ready to create an agreement?

1. You need to know your farm and personal assets.
2. You need to be clear about your intent in why this action is important to you for business reasons, and the emotions you are experiencing while creating the document. When we get married, we are not thinking of getting a divorce. We all realize that many marriages fail, and not just the young folks. We had the “divorce conversation” as part of the coaching process with our son and daughter in-law. You might want to have an outside facilitator to navigate this discussion.
3. You need to seek independent legal advice. On behalf of a client, I asked my network for a great family lawyer who understood agriculture and was able to come up with 2 lawyers in 2 places, one for each spouse.  A good place to start looking is the CAFA (Canadian Association of Farm Advisors Directory. Ask your peer network for referrals.
4. Your language of approach with your partner, fiancé, or spouse needs to be clear and respectful. Your goal is to have alignment of understanding about your wishes for taxes, assets, financial well-being for all, goals for the children, and success of your farm business while keeping family harmony. This seems like a tall order if you approach the conversation in a spirit of fear rather than collaboration for the good of the family and the farm.  I once had a young fiancé in tears as she did not understand the need for a prenup to get married to her dairy farming boyfriend. Once we framed the exercise of getting a prenup a “business risk management strategy” and not blame or judgment of her from her future in-laws, she was able to wipe away the tears and take a different perspective. It was also helpful to the young farmer that his farming brother had just been married, and it was the business policy of the farm that everyone has prenups. 
5. Guys with farms are dating women with farms. A young woman in my audience has a dairy farm with her dad and dates a guy who has a farm with his family.  People in agriculture are coming to their union as a family with many assets. This also happens with second marriages when women like my friend Fran, a farm widow, is then married to another farmer at age 77. We have “grey divorce”, and we have “grey second marriage” as people live longer and still seek loving companionship as they age. Well written legal agreements can prevent a lot of future pain and anger in court.
6. Don’t be cheap. April is wills month and I suspect you need a will, or your current will needs updating. You also need a power of attorney. Spend the appropriate amount of money to hire a reputable great lawyer to draw up proper agreements. Ask to see a sample copy. A lawyer friend of mine gave me a sample prenup to share with farm families just to get them acquainted with the language and format of the agreement.  Other lawyers said they would never do this! Which lawyer do you think is serving their clients well? Farmers don’t like to feel dumb, so it is helpful to do some research and find out what clauses are typical for farm situations. 
7. Pulling in the same direction is a beautiful thing.  Two powerful draft horses pulling hard in tandem is a great visual for spouses in business being in alignment.  Two are stronger than one! How you frame the exercise of getting spousal agreements in place is like life insurance. We use life insurance as a tool to provide revenue when folks die, or property is damaged. We buy it, and don’t dwell on it every day. The tearful bride -to -be realized she would be able to be a full business partner with a great attitude IF she was not dwelling on the supposed judgement of her future in-laws. She could work with her husband creating a great farm business and strong marriage. Her documents would protect her, but not define her.

Tell me you have written a will or updated your old one, and I will send you Farming’s In-Law Factor e-book.

Source: Helloprenup.com “Creating a Prenup to Protect Farm Property”

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Elaine Froese and her team of coaches can help you have safe respectful family meetings to find harmony through understanding. Visit here to book a free discovery call to navigate your transition well.

Did you enjoy How to Have the Conversation About Prenups? You might want to check these articles out too:

Tips to Navigate Transition Storms
Being an Emotionally Strong Farm Parent
How to Create More Financial Transparency with Your Farm Team​

Imagine how wonderful life would be on your farm if you did not have to guess what other folks on your farm team really want for their lives, and for the farm business? I had the great joy of speaking to 540 young Iowa Farmers last month. Many of them are stuck in getting equity in transition due to the US tax laws which incentivize holding on to land and assets until the death of the grandparents or parents. I suspect you have your own story of curiosity as to why you are not able to get what you really want (power and control of the management, equity to grow and service debt, new housing, a peaceful workplace, etc.)

What do you truly want for the next chapter of your life on the farm?

Why is this such a hard topic to openly communicate with your family?

When are you going to make your lifestyle desires and farm business vision known?

Please go back and read those 3 questions again. The farm founders and successors need clarity of expectations. Here’s a text from a young Iowa farmer who speaks for many young people who are anxious about the uncertainty of their future.

“What are the best ways to deal with off-farm siblings that haven’t shown interest in the past, or put any work into the operation, but now all of a sudden want a piece of the pie?” My answer to this farmer was “Have a coaching session with 3^rd party facilitation. Keep it safe and respectful.”

Most folks want their family to get along, to have a profitable farm, and not break off land to non-farm heirs.  Your family may have a culture of “Grandma has 4 kids, so each kid will get a quarter of the land”. This is creating great havoc and stress for folks who cannot see another solution.

• Where is it written that all adult children need to get land? Are there other assets like non-farm property, cash, insurance, investments, diamond rings, vehicles, art, oak desks, which can be passed on? The issue here is the grandparents have very little cash or residue in their estate. This is the personal wealth bubble discussion which I have written about here.When you have personal financial liquidity or what Derryn Shrosbee of www.33seven.ca calls the “Farm liquidity solution” you have tools to cascade wealth without chopping off land.
• Remarriage.  There’s great fear of divorce and more hands expecting wealth. Here’s the young farmer text: “What happens when you have an uncle who remarried and wants his new kids to get all the family legacy?”  Folks don’t usually want to talk about inter-spousal agreements to protect the farm business. I do have a client family who wanted to set the example as founders, so they did go out to get a marriage contract done even though they have been married for over 30 years.  No one wants divorce. Divorce on farms happens. It is a HUGE source of ongoing conflict and pain, so what are you doing to cherish and protect your marriage? What are you doing to protect your farm business from divorce? If business partners are getting remarried, you need open honest communication with a well-understood operating agreement and/or shareholder document.
• What is the story your parents are REALLY telling themselves?  Here’s the young farmer text: “I keep bringing up succession to mom and dad. They keep saying “We don’t know what we want” and divert the conversation. Now I just sound like the greedy one!” I said: “Change the story you are telling yourself. You need certainty. “This young farmer has parents who are not skilled nor prepared to talk about tough issues. Many of you cannot do this crucial conversation work alone, yet you are not willing to ask for professional guidance and help. “Being clear is kind” says social researcher Brene Brown, and this is the quote deemed most helpful to a seminar I presented to South Dakota ranchers. The light went on for them as they realized they no longer have the luxury of avoiding hard conversations. My t-shirt says “Love does not read minds. “ It is time to stop guessing what everyone thinks, feels, wants, and needs. Explore what stories your grandparents, parents, and siblings are telling themselves about the future and transition of wealth on your farm.  Ask grandpa or mom, “I’m just curious, what is the story you are telling yourself? Is this a scarcity mindset issue? How much is enough? Would you ask for the help of a financial planner to give you more financial security and certainty for your income streams as you age in place on this farm?”
• Large families with multitudes of expectations need professional facilitation. “How much money do we need to make sure Mom and Dad are getting every year? How do you have a civil conversation with 13 immediate family members? “Says another text. The best way to deal with complexity is to break things down and start with each couple or family unit, then work towards the group meeting. In our coaching process we do confidential coaching of each family with the goal of giving them clarity of expectations, and positive conflict language to prepare each person with skills to be able to ask graciously and respectfully for what they need, and to share their vision of the future of the family and the farm. The Conflict Dynamic Profile tool is very helpful to get folks to see sharing emotions, creating solutions, and gaining the other person’s perspective are positive behaviours to help everyone find common interests.

Review and Answer These Questions:
What I know…
What I need to know…    (and who can help answer it ?)
What I want …
What I do not want…
What we do agree on: ________
What I could “live with” or seek to get win/win.
What is the worst that could happen if…
How can I prevent the transition from going wrong? How can we get more alignment of expectations?
What is the best that could happen if we reached out for help, shared honestly, and created solutions together?

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Elaine Froese, CSP, CAFA, CHICoach, and her coaching team are here to help you find harmony through understanding. Visit here to book a free discovery call and to Book Elaine to speak at your next association event.

Did you enjoy Farm Parents, What Do You Really Want in Your Next Chapter of Life? You might want to check these articles out too:

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Tis the season of farm meetings where the speakers will talk about business and “keeping the emotion” out of business using data to make concrete decisions. I don’t debate this approach for grain marketing, but I highly doubt stuffing emotions on the farm creates clarity of expectations or happy outcomes.

Recently, I met Carolyn Stern, author of the “Emotionally Strong Leader…an inside out journey to transformational leadership. I’m wired for positivity and life-long learning, so I resonate with many of Stern’s insights and wondered what would happen to the farm family dynamic if folks really cared about working on their internal world.

When coaching young farmers in the hallways of a conference in the Midwest US I was reminded again watching tears of frustration. “Dad just drops the big stuff like switching land rent while we are walking to the barn. I haven’t really had a deep conversation about his passions and wants for over 3 years. I’ve decided just to build things on my own for my own family, and that way if the emotions and drama run high, we have options.”

Stern uses a self-coaching approach which strong-willed independent entrepreneur farmers would love.

1. Connect with yourself and take a hard look in the mirror,” says Stern. We all need lots of self-compassion and a no-judgment zone to be able to accept where we are today. Health issues have a brash way of causing folks to re-consider what is truly important in life. Would you be able to sit with your thoughts and feelings just awhile to consider how you are aging and managing in place on your farm? Stern says, “Understanding your inner self will help you lead more consciously and purposefully.” This revelation came to a family meeting when the dad was ready to share the story of the pain and sacrifice of his parents in the tough times of getting the farm started. His fear of failure was a source of concern which only came to light through his story at the family meeting.
2. Consult with others. Many farmers have few friends, others have lots. I would start with a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse. Tears flow when the vision of the parent is not aligned for the future chapter of being seventy-something on the farm. Are you courageous enough to ask others how they perceive you? Compare their observations to how you saw yourself in your reflection time. Pay attention to what your spouse needs. Being emotionally present for your spouse will protect the health of the marriage.
3. Stern asks, “What kind of emotionally strong leader do you want to be?”. Great question for Stern’s process, but I am afraid many farmers don’t care what others think. They are used to “being large and in charge.” They may not care to consider the opinions or voice of others on the farm team. If your parents are not willing to consider therapy, counselling, or coaching to discover new ways of communicating and resolving conflict on the farm, perhaps that clarity will allow you to let go of unworkable expectations and seek out new options which fit your goals. You can show up as the best version of yourself and model the kind of behaviour and culture you want to create in your management role.
4. Consider your possibilities and barriers. Poor communication is often cited, the lack of good communication seems to be a common complaint of young farmers trying to get parents to talk about the future of the farm and the family. Brene Brown, social researcher and Texas based podcaster, often asks people to question the stories they are telling themselves. I believe everyone can learn new language to share feelings more clearly and ask for what they need. We’d be happy to share a list of podcasts and videos for you to glean new phrases like “where is it written that… (fill in the blank with the thinking you want to challenge), “I’m just curious, have you considered….,” Play with possibility and don’t pre-judge the outcomes of your robust conversations. (Ask for podcast links here)
5. Make an action plan. A couple I coached was elated to share what they learned about healthy boundaries from their counsellor. Their intention was to protect the emotional health of their family and model to the parents the good behaviours they wanted to see grow. We often say, “counselling is about recovery, coaching is about discovery.” Search the National Farmers Mental Health Alliance website to find ag-informed therapists. (www.nfmha.ca). If your parents are on the brink of divorce because their future vision for stepping away from the main roles of the farm is at odds, perhaps a “redemptive separation” is the action plan. Divorce is not the goal, healing emotions is. “Talk does not cook rice.” You need accountability partners, dates, and deadlines to work at better communication and emotional awareness in “bite-size chunks” suggests Stern.
6. Commit to building your emotional support group and commit to your growth as an emotionally strong leader. Many farm families get in the habit of working in isolation and neglect connection to community. We need to be purposeful in reaching out to stay motivated to keep growing and transforming our behaviours. Stern advises to “establish accountability to ensure you are focused on your journey to emotional strength.”

Stern’s facial icons (p.151) are a good reminder to use a larger vocabulary for our feelings. Her emotion check-in list includes positive, happy, optimistic, inspired, empathetic, excited, confident, proud, content, relieved, hopeful, calm, strong and passionate. The negative emotions common to blow-ups on farms might include intimidated, offended, frustrated, discouraged, afraid, resentful, confused, overwhelmed, and disappointed.

Read that last paragraph of the emotion check-in again. Notice how the positive words make you feel and think of when you last felt that emotion.

“I love you my child, and you’ve grown to be a great asset to our farm, and I am proud of you and all you have accomplished. I’m optimistic for the future of this business and the legacy we are creating together.” Many young farmers would love to hear this spoken aloud, and the reverse is true for farm parents. Respect, positivity, and appreciation go a long way to building emotional health.

Do you have a clear picture of who you are and how you lead on your farm? In your family?

Awareness is a good first step. Read Stern’s book or listen on audible. You’ll enjoy her tips and tools to gain emotional strength.

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Elaine Froese and her team of coaches help facilitate finding harmony through understanding. Visit here.

Did you enjoy Being an Emotionally Strong Farm Parent? You might want to check these articles out too:

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Just converse: it feels so good to talk!
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“Help us have more fun!” 

Some farm men are experiencing a serious lack of fun, and this can start to influence the business, family harmony, and all aspects of life. The good news is finding your own fun and setting aside the time is a choice. You can do it.

I remember distinctly where on the gravel road we were when my farming husband relayed a strange question from a crop protection survey: What’s the one thing we could help you do better on your farm? “Show us how to have more fun!” was hubby’s quick reply.

The male gender bias here is intentional as the dilemma is this: farm men are not having fun.

Let’s start with a definition or a question. What does fun mean to you?

It is travel? Expedia’s travel study found 62 percent of the ag industry surveyed felt vacation deprived. Is it play? A hearty laugh with family or friends as you work on the farm? Or a special set-aside time where you go away to hunt, fish, golf, play floor hockey, hike or light a bonfire at the lake? No Expedia bookings are required.

As an extrovert, fun for me is doing something with other people because other people give me energy. I love to be deep in conversation face-to-face with friends and family. Brené Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” explores the importance of connection to others, especially sharing emotional connection face-to-face. Sometimes men enjoy this collectively at football or hockey games, being present at the live event, not merely facing the blue light of TV sports.

Why aren’t you having more fun in your life?

If this question makes you feel uncomfortable, you might as well just stop reading now. But hang on. “Why” is the question of intent. Your intention to grow a profitable farm is honourable, but what are you sacrificing on the journey to build your empire? I coached a young couple desperately trying to create new boundaries to protect family time on winter evenings and weekend Sundays. They risk a crumbling marriage and possible divorce if the marriage relationship is not repaired.

Answering the “why” is a good step toward solutions. You get to choose how you spend your time and who you want to connect with. Marilee Adams, author of  “Change your questions, change your life”, would encourage you to adopt a learner mindset around seeking ways to add more fun to your days. One idea is to shut off the TV and play games again. We just learned to play cribbage.

Why you’re not having more fun could be because…

There is too much work to do on the farm. Can you ask for help? Hire help? Say enough is enough and take a break to walk in the woods? What might you need to let go of? Work and play are called polarities. They are an unresolvable problem in the quest for balance that can only be managed, not solved forever. The upside of more play in your life is a more productive workforce when the farm calls.

My health is failing. Consider what you can do to be healthier, meanwhile, build on what you can do. For example, play with your grandkids. Have wiener roasts. Teach the next generation how to change spark plugs on the antique tractor you are restoring.

I am too old to have fun. Hogwash. When did age become a barrier? An attitude of gratitude will propel you into new ways of having fun. Embrace art, and music and create things anew again. Weld me a new piece of farm junk art.

My friends have all moved away. OK, you’re the last farmer standing in your field. Go for a community supper, go help a neighbour, serve somebody, and get reconnected again. If all the lonely guys congregated at an auction sale over pie, they wouldn’t be lonely, would they? Reaching out is the first step to finding ways to have fun. Carve out time to make new friends. Click here to explore. I know of a group of men who enjoy hanging out in a garage once a month to fix things, listen, and BBQ.

People don’t just visit anymore. Not true. People choose not to use their cell phones to ask if you would like to connect, and they assume you are too busy to spend time chatting. Ask any person recovering from an injury and they will tell you how precious texts, phone calls, and visits are towards the feeling that you matter and belong. We ran errands one Sunday to three separate farms and each family begged us to stay for a visit. Who in your circle of friends needs to visit with you?

“I think I might be depressed because I haven’t laughed in months.” Take this seriously. Visit your doctor to see if there are physical reasons you are not having fun. With all the Internet options for funny videos, you might just need to be more intentional about using comedy to tickle your funny bone. Seek out the encouraging mental health articles here.

My wife thinks dancing is fun and I don’t dance. Where is it written that you can only do things as a couple? Your wife can go to dance class, and you can do another activity that fills your soul. If you danced when you were dating, then I suggest you go to dance lessons together and re-kindle the original spark.

You have forgotten how to be present. Nature is renewing. Amazing sunrises and cloud formations are cheap entertainment on the Prairies in all seasons. Take time to pause and be present in your surroundings, including the flora, the fauna, and the amazing folks who show up at the farm. Take the time to build the straw bale fort, watch the sky or hike down the ravine or coulee.  Re-connect to the things that brought you joy as a child, and do them again now.

The farmer’s fun factor is a choice. Talk about your play options. Then get out and do them!

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Elaine Froese enjoys playing with her three grandchildren, watching Blue Jays (the birds) at the lake house, and holidaying with her hubby. Building forts with children is her idea of pure fun. Read Dan Buettner’s book “The Blue  Zones of Happiness: Lessons from the World’s Happiest People.”

Did you enjoy Spring into Fun on your Farm!? You might want to check these articles out too:

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Please note as you read this, I am not a lawyer and do not give legal advice. This article is to help you get ready for effective communication with your lawyer. 

RESEARCH

Find a lawyer you like: Ask your farming friends which professionals have served them well. You can also go to the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors directory here to find great advisors who care about agricultural families.

Many lawyers now work on Zoom, and you can sign documents digitally, so there is no excuse for not finding the best fit. You will need 3 appointments: draft, review, and sign.

Find a binder.

Grab a pad of notepaper or open a new Word document on your computer.

THINK

Who do we want to be our executor? Do they live in our province? Would they work well with our accountant? Will the executor keep track of details and inform the family with great communication? Make sure you confirm your executor wants the job. Contact me for tools to stimulate your thinking. Click here to Ask for “wills tools” which includes an executor checklist.

When my father was showing signs of memory loss, yet still deemed competent by his lawyer, we were able to simplify the number of executors and ensure the process would be smoother for execution. Will need to be updated whenever there is a significant change in your intentions or a family event such as death, or divorce, or purchase of major assets.

Do you have a power of attorney? It may be your spouse, but you may also want an alternate.

We have also included our successor son as our power of attorney. This came in real handy when my husband’s accident in 2017 landed him in trauma care during harvest.

Do you have special possessions you wish to pass on to certain family members or friends? I have asked, and no one wants my stuff. This may surprise you when you start asking.

GIVE

Charities and gifts. If you have a lot of charities who appreciate your gift, research the work of Abundance Canada here which make giving easier.

In conflict resolution, we talk about being clear with your intentions. In some wills, it is appropriate to write out why certain decisions have been made. You can also write out your “script” to use as the pre-work in your family meeting when you sit down as a family to explain your will.

WHAT?

DISCUSS

Yes. Open communication is clear with setting expectations. Being clear is kind. Many farm families are avoiding making a will because they are avoiding family conflict. The good news is having a 3^rd party facilitate this discussion will help you get harmony through understanding. In July 1998 I had the opportunity to share my expectations with my farming parents and my farming brother and my non-farm siblings. This event was attended by a tax specialist and the founder’s accountant. When my mom died unexpectedly 6 weeks later, it was helpful to have the conversations of the family meeting fresh in mind.

I encourage you to share your will openly with your family, this is 2023, not 1973. Secrets are very damaging and traumatizing to family dynamics. 

CHILDREN

Farmers with young children aren’t getting wills done. Expensive? No. Hard to pick guardians of your precious young children? Yes.  We chose non-family members as guardians for our children and when they became teens, we let them choose who they would want to live with if we died in their teen years. Wills can be updated with codicils, which are like a type of amendment, so get the basics done now. Make sure the guardians agree to the responsibility you are giving them. A recent ag. A financial survey found 58% of farmers under the age of 40 had wills. I suspect this is due to the uncertainty of who to choose as guardians. What is your opinion?

FAIRNESS

Please go to YouTube and search “Finding Fairness in Farm Transition”. This is a universal issue confirmed in February when I spoke to a group of Mexican farmers and business folks in Cuauhtemoc. While you are jotting down your thoughts and wishes, have some private conversations with each of your adult children and your spouse. Ask, “While we are preparing our estate plan, I am curious to know, what does fairness look like to you? What are you expecting from our estate?”

Many young farmers want an opportunity to have equity, long before the founder’s death. They also realize the hard work of their parents and want the founders to enjoy the fruit of their labour and live a decent life, have time to travel, and have fewer responsibilities in the business. These conversations are not nightmares, they can be life-giving once expectations and timelines are clear.

WARM HANDS

I write this article knowing a good friend died early this morning. I am reflecting on the gifts she gave me with warm hands, particularly her laughter and her support of our daughter, and her quilts. Many of you are hanging on to wealth you cannot enjoy which would really give a leg up to the next generation. My father-in-law and mother-in-law wisely gave land to their non-farm heirs when we as the farm couple bought farm assets.  We as the farm heirs and successors were given the first right of refusal to buy the land.

Folks think this is difficult to do now as land is so expensive, but there are still ways to give assets, money, and small parcels of land to heirs when the gift will be a real benefit to the receiver. You can also think about long-term lease agreements with the rental of farmland back to the farm successor. Each situation needs discussion, sharing of intention, and vision for the farm to stay intact.

BLOCK TIME

Google Calendar is your friend as is the old-school paper calendar on the kitchen wall. I know a multimillionaire farmer who only uses the kitchen calendar for time management.  His superpower is being task-oriented and getting things done in a timely fashion. His farm is in the top 4% of farms in his province according to his accountant’s benchmarking which he sees annually in April. Book an appointment with your lawyer TODAY.

April is “Wills Month”. I have a basket of important documents on my desk waiting to be updated in my life binder. Life on the farm is a journey and things are constantly changing. The best gift we can give our families is open loving communication with certainty of timelines and agreements. The execution of my father’s estate was not a nightmare but a great lesson in having an excellent lawyer and documents readied before the death happened.  We all are longing for the currency of time. We all get to choose how we spend our time and get affairs in order.

Send me a text at 204-534-7466 when you get your will signed. It will make my heart sing.

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For more information and helpful tips about Wills, please contact me here to request my Wills With Joy Toolbox.

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