I’m going to be honest, there are certain things about the holidays that I dread. Not only does the minimalist inside of me cringe at all of the stuff that is advertised, sometimes as early as September, but this time of year brings on an underlying pressure to feel happy. Soundtracks and store banners imply that joy should come naturally, when in reality, it may not be exactly what everyone wants to feel.

For many folks, the holidays can be a difficult season. Surrounded by merriment, many people experience loneliness, heartache for previously strong, now broken family connections, or the emptiness felt from the loss of loved ones. Several farming families that I have coached have found Christmas time to be difficult as they are still navigating farm transition conversations with some unresolved conflicts. Even for those who have family and friends to spend time with, gatherings focused on desserts and gift-giving cannot distract a farmer who is worried about the price of wheat or how to rewrite the will. Just when things have slowed down, and you are reflecting on how stressful harvest was because of the ill-timed rain, someone wishes you ‘peace and joy.’ The last thing you likely need is someone telling you ‘it’s the most wonderful time of year’ while handing you a holiday card full of smiling faces.

What is it about Joy that makes it difficult to feel?

I can’t say I’ve met a lot of farmers who have talked openly about moments of joy, I think, because farming is so unpredictable in nature. In her book Atlas of Heart, which is essentially an encyclopedia of emotions, Brené Brown defines joy as a “feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation.” This is an emotion that a farmer may have a hard time embracing at times, given the challenges of running a business at the mercy of Mother Nature. Brown adds that joy is “the most vulnerable human emotion” because people have a hard time allowing themselves to “lean into good news [and] wonderful moments… because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster.” Brown calls this ‘foreboding joy’ – the idea that in a moment of potential happiness, we are waiting for something bad to happen. You may have experienced this at harvest time when your crop is coming in, and you are seeing better yields than you expected. You want to feel hopeful in the moment – maybe even happy – but instead you think about and anticipate something bad happening that could affect your bottom line.

What if, this holiday season, we give ourselves a break from the pressure to feel joy if it’s not working for us. One alternative could be focusing on contentment, a state of being that Brown calls “the feeling of completeness, appreciation, and ‘enoughness’ that we experience when our needs are satisfied.” Brown explains that “contentment is about satisfaction, and that, ironically, is an unsatisfying idea for a lot of people.” In a world that seems obsessed with over-the-top moments of happiness and seeking out all of the ways to buy and experience these moments, it can be hard to allow ourselves to feel just… fulfilled, not more or less. Think about the time you saw your neighbour’s new combine and thought, Wouldn’t I be happier if I had one? Brown concludes with “If we’re not satisfied with our life as a whole, does this mean we need to go and get and do the stuff that will make us satisfied… or does this mean we stop taking for granted what we have so we can experience real contentment and enoughness?”

I have seen many farm families experience contentment together after their second family meeting, where we facilitate dialogue. Any tensions felt at the first meeting have decreased thanks to our addressing major conflicts that were previously not being talked about constructively. Everyone has had his or her voice heard, has expressed thoughts and feelings openly, and has been able to share a hope or vision for the farm. There are no unrealistic outlooks giving false hope or pressure to be happy with anticipated changes to come. What is felt by those in the meeting is an appreciation for where the farm is at now – even without the new combine – and a sense of sufficiency because the family has realized that keeping the farm and the family intact is more important than buying the newest model.

Here are some ways to feel more content this holiday season:

1. Share the tough moments – When someone reaches out to wish you Merry Christmas, don’t be afraid to admit that it was a tough year. Just because it’s implied that the holidays are meant to be joyful, you can give yourself grace if that’s not how it feels.
2. Celebrate the small wins – You may not have figured out the perfect crop rotation for that new seed variety, but you got through another growing season in good health. There is so much to appreciate on the farm when things are working well, even when the new or bigger goals are not yet accomplished.
3. Practice gratitude – I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but research shows that gratitude can improve sleep, mental health, physical wellbeing, and more. Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California, explains that gratitude helps us appreciate what we have instead of seeking out new things to make us happy. He writes, “gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something… we’re less likely to take it for granted.” While this practice may seem oversimplified, research has shown that adopting small habits of expressing gratitude, individually or in teams, can have a big impact.

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Do you ever have those days when you’re flying around the farm from one task to the next, trying to feel productive, but instead you just feel like a chicken with its head cut off?

So often on the farm, we try to do many things at the same time. And then at the end of the day, we wonder what we actually accomplished, which projects we actually finished. A blog post entitled “The Myth of Multitasking,” by the Resilience Institute, notes that multitasking can actually lower productivity, increasing the number of errors and causing more communication breakdowns between team members. “When individuals are pulled in multiple directions, it becomes difficult to align on goals and keep clarity within a group.”

After several years of walking with farmers in their succession planning journeys, including my own in-laws, I have noticed that hearing the word “plan” can evoke fear for many. Carrying a “see how it goes” attitude can feel normal when there is so much uncertainty in farming. To hear the words “make a plan” can feel overwhelming and even impossible when there seem to be so many variables. Of course, there are times when we do need to make a decision, but if we do this hastily, we are not taking into account how that decision impacts our overall vision. What if I told you there is a less stressful way to approach your days and growing seasons without using the dreadful “p” word? What if, instead, we set intentions for the time we spend in our operations – individually and together – and then held ourselves accountable to creating more meaningful ways of showing up?

Being more intentional about how we spend our time – in projects, in relationships, and especially when we combine the two together – can help us be more productive and satisfied in our operations. In her book, The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, Priya Parker writes about setting intentions when bringing people together: “To ascertain a gathering’s purpose, move from the what to the why… Take the reasons you think you are gathering — because it’s our Monday-morning meeting; because it’s a family tradition to be at the lake — and keep drilling below them. Ask why you’re doing it. Every time you get to another, deeper reason, ask why again. Keep asking why until you hit a belief or value.”

Discovering the “why” behind regular farm tasks that we do together, such as moving the cows to pasture, helps us be more intentional about how we want to run our operations and what values we want to weave into our overall vision. When others have insight into this vision, we are less likely to get into conflict because there is a shared understanding of the reasons behind certain decisions. Whenever my husband and I help his parents vaccinate or move their cattle, we are often brought up to speed beforehand on what their plans are for certain cows or a particular group they would like to sort out. One year, when my husband and my father-in-law conflicted about my husband’s decision to step back from the farm, we jumped right into working together without discussing the intentions for the day. Within the hour, there was yelling, and it was not just frustration about calves that were straying. At one point, I heard my husband say to his father, “I have no idea what you want!” By creating clarity about what we want and being able to ask for what we need from others when we set out our hopes for the day or season, we create more efficient operations built on shared values of trust.

Once a year, my family drives up from the city to help us split wood for the winter. We burn a lot of wood, not only to keep our energy costs low but because we believe it is a sustainable way to live. Sometimes we have a lot of people, including extended family from the Mennonite belt of southern Manitoba. The night before my family arrives, my husband and I sit down to set an intention together for the time when they are here. Without this conversation about what our shared vision is for the day, one of us will, without a doubt, get caught up in visiting without realizing the other is feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work. Of course, we too need social time, but if our goal is to split a certain pile of wood, we will be much more intentional about when the opportunities for visiting happen. When my family arrives, we give everyone a chance to settle in and catch up over coffee before we announce our hopes for the day. Sharing our intentions with my sociable, urbanized family motivates them to do the work, knowing the impact they are making for us as self-sufficient, rural folk.

Here are some simple ways to start being more intentional in your days and seasons:

1. Set out one goal for what you want to accomplish or create each day. Even if you end up doing a couple of other small things in the day, having that goal in mind will help focus your energy and feel more productive when you follow through on that one task or project.
2. Share your hopes with others before you come together. List a few topics of discussion for the next meeting in the email to everyone, or explain how meaningful it would be to you to have supper together on Sunday without any mention of the new barn project. Be clear with yourself, and then others, on what you desire for the time you spend together.
3. Bring your family members together to discuss a longer-term vision for the farm that you can all have input on. Choose a timeframe for your shared vision that seems realistic for your family, such as two years when Dad will be turning 70, and then begin the dreaming. Stay open to seemingly wacky ideas, and ensure everyone gets a turn to speak (yes, the non-farming children need a voice too). The process of creating a vision for the farm that your family members all feel invested in will help you set out clearer intentions each day and for every growing season. You will spend your time with more purpose and clarity, knowing that your daily goals contribute towards a lifetime legacy.

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Rest on the Farm

My four-year-old daughter walks into the bathroom without knocking, just as I am getting out of the shower. “Daddy’s being mean!” she cries. She continues to explain what just happened between her and my husband, a one-sided story that has no context and is skewed by her exaggerated emotions. I hear my husband calling from the kitchen to defend himself against her accusation. At one point, the two of them are talking to me at the same time, trying to convince me to take a side.

I decided to take a coach approach by putting the creation of a solution back on them. Although I love helping my daughter, who takes every opportunity to show off her independence, I try not to get involved when she and my husband are working out an issue. Of course, aligning with my husband to provide clear guidelines and boundaries for our children as a team has been the key to surviving parenthood together. But when the two of them disagree about something small that doesn’t need to involve me, I try to stay out of it. It is almost too easy to jump in and save them, to stop the arguing by giving them an idea of how to move forward. Yet I know that this will not further their bond as father and daughter.

How does Mom end up in the middle of every argument?

Too often, as a coach, I see farm families where Mom seems to be involved with every disagreement that arises. Whether attempting to be neutral as a mediator or making matters worse by giving family members the wrong information about each other, mothers often allow themselves to be in the middle of family members. This may be a long-standing pattern that starts when siblings are just kids, or be a new dynamic that is created when an in-law joins the family. It can be common for Mom to feel like a safe space to vent, troubleshoot issues, or just find out information about another family member. Some farm families that I have coached consider their mother to be the “glue” that holds things together, the person who ensures everyone is informed about family events or takes every child’s wants into consideration when planning out the future of the farm. Yet, as folks discover in farm succession coaching, allowing each person to have a voice, to say what they need, and to have the opportunity to address conflicts directly with other family members is a powerful process.

No one likes conflict. No one likes to watch others in conflict, especially those they love. I think this is especially challenging for Mom. As a mother myself, my heart aches when my children are fighting. But the more I try to get in between them, the fewer chances they have to learn the skills of listening to the other person’s needs or voicing their own.

As a bit of a conflict nerd, I believe that conflict can help people become closer in relationships. By working through a disagreement, each person has the opportunity to learn about the other person and also feel more understood by them.

Here’s how your family can help Mom when she’s in the middle:

1. Flatten Those Triangles – When two family members are not able to have effective communication, they often turn to someone else to hear them out. Many times, this is Mom. Once Mom hears both sides of the story, she may decide to “help” the situation by giving each family member insight into the other person’s wants or needs. And now you have a triangle, with Mom in one corner as the mediator and the other two parties talking more to her than they are to each other. This can only increase the chances of misunderstandings, since the messages are being filtered through Mom. Mom, when someone is coming to you to talk about another family member, you need to encourage them to go directly to that person with their concerns. Flatten that triangle by encouraging those you love to talk to each other! For a more in-depth look at how triangles breed conflict, check out Episode 31 of the Farm Family Harmony podcast, where my colleague, Crisol, and Elaine discuss the Karpman Drama Triangle.
2. Set Boundaries for How Farm Talk Comes Up at Family Gatherings – When the family is getting together for a meal or event, Mom often wants members to come without bringing all of the shop talk and field baggage with them. It can be exhausting to constantly think (or fight) about the farm, and doing so when the family is all together can have the biggest impact on Mom. Everyone is responsible for setting boundaries to help out Mom, which essentially looks like guidelines for how the farm is talked about when the family is together. Use humour to combat the creeping in of the shop talk by having a code word (or a swear jar?) to hold everyone accountable to these guidelines. Remember, we are people who have identities and interests outside of the farm – yes, even Dad.
3. Generate Effective Communication in Meetings – Whether it is an operational meeting to clarify roles on the farm or an annual family meeting to keep non-farming children informed, effective communication through regular meetings can help keep Mom out of the middle. As a coach, I see farm families struggle to stick to a schedule for meetings, so give yourself grace when planning and set the dates based on the best availability for everyone. Sometimes, coming together for an hour to address ongoing or recent issues is better than trying to make a strict schedule. If Mom is the organizer, that’s okay, but know that she is not the only one responsible for keeping track of what needs to be discussed!

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I was standing in my kitchen, tears rolling down my cheeks that felt almost unstoppable. The voice of a good friend was playing on an audio message on my phone. The message was comforting. Yet it also gave me a reality check. My friend was reminding me of all of the changes I had been experiencing since moving to my husband’s family farm north of Winnipeg two months prior. Different house, new daycare for the kids, uncertainty about where I will work in town. As I listened to her talk, the tears continued to well up in my eyes. My kids were in the other room watching TV, and for a second, I wondered, “Do they notice me crying?” I reassured myself that they would be preoccupied while I allowed myself to experience what was happening. I took a breath in and tried to let go of the tension in my body and give in to the tears that were pushing themselves out.

How come we try to control or hold back our emotions? Can we instead use them to help us understand how we are experiencing life on the farm, especially the changes we go through?

Having been raised in the Mennonite culture, I have a hard time knowing how and when to express my emotions. Since my mother was told by my grandparents to hide how she felt, she was intentional about raising my brothers and me to be open about our feelings as much as we felt comfortable. Despite her efforts, I was still immersed in a Mennonite culture in high school and university that did not encourage this openness or make space for emotions. Experiencing emotions – let alone expressing them to or in front of others – was not something I was used to.

Developed by psychology professors at Eckerd College, the Conflict Dynamics Profile tool indicates that Expressing Emotions is a constructive (healthy) conflict behaviour, one that can help us work through times of conflict (and, I would argue, times when we are experiencing changes). Identifying our emotions first helps us understand how to communicate them to others. But if we are raised to hide how we feel, it can be difficult to even begin to know what we are feeling.

That day in my kitchen, it was hard to understand what I was feeling because although I was crying, it didn’t feel like sadness. A few days later, I remembered what I had learned in a workshop about how people experience change. Every time a person goes through a major change in life, they experience a downward trend of negative emotions, often expressed as anger or sadness, before they are able to fully accept the change. This concept comes from a visual called The Change Curve, first introduced in the 1960s by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to explain the grieving process. As my trainer noted, we need to experience the downward slope – the bottom of the curve where sadness or grief occurs – in order to move forward and fully accept the change.

Once I had identified that I was feeling some type of grief, I gave myself some grace. Brene Brown notes that grief can actually have three elements: loss, longing, and feeling lost. She writes, “The more difficult it is for us to articulate our experiences of loss, longing, or feeling lost to people around us, the more disconnected and alone we feel.”

So now I was still left wondering, ‘What am I grieving? Am I feeling lost?’

My husband and I had been looking forward to moving to the farm for a few years. Our four-year-old daughter was old enough to feel excited about being closer to family, yet young enough to make new friends easily before starting school. We were leaving a small acreage in an area where we didn’t know many of our neighbours to embrace a farming lifestyle in a rural community where we already had many connections. It was a huge change for all of us, but one that we were ready for, at least mentally. Our emotions had not yet caught up to all of these changes. We were still at the bottom of the curve. The reality was that we still had a lot of planning to do with his parents, who farmed cattle and grain for their sole income. There was still so much uncertainty in our future, even though we told ourselves that we were making the right decision for our family to move to the farm. What we were longing for was what Elaine Froese calls the “three Cs” in farm transition: Clarity of expectations, Certainty of timelines and agreements, and a Commitment to action.

I turned to the book Bittersweet by Susan Cain, which gave me some hope and insight into how this “grief” could help me feel ready for the next chapter our family was in. Cain’s book discusses how feelings of longing and sorrow “make us whole” and help us acknowledge the imperfections in life. She writes that moments of loss in life are just as important as moments of joy and success, arguing that our “highest states,” such as finding meaning, emerge from understanding the bittersweet nature of life. “These losses shape your psyche; they lay down patterns for all your interactions. If you don’t understand them and actively work to form new emotional habits, you’ll act them out again and again.”

While I have not yet discovered all of the possible meanings of the grief I was experiencing, I am thankful that I cried that day. The release of emotions, and later on the ability to talk about how I was feeling with my husband, was an important stage in the journey we are on together. My hope for farm families is that they can explore their emotions instead of hiding from them and acknowledge that how we feel can be an incredible indicator to learn what we need.

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